Day 360

I watched the changing colors of the morning's sunrise.  The light blue mingled with the fading orange, and a cool breeze met my cheek.

As I admired the sky sparsely peppered with feathered clouds, sadness plucked at my heart and thankfulness lapped at its hinges.

A week from today my one year challenge will be over.  This chapter will come to an end, leaving another to begin.

This portion of my life is a difficult one.  Probably the most difficult of all my years.  My father's ailing health.  The distance between where I am and where I want to be.  Fading friendships.  Failing friendships.  Friendships that never begin.  Overwhelmed by responsibilities within a calling for which I'm not sure I am ready.  Struggling to be a leader, a lover, a mother, and sister.  A car engine that refuses to be healthy.  Not to mention the problems of the world.  A flooded New Orleans.  A pain-stricken economy.  A new natural disaster stealing lives and well-being.  The world itself seems to be imploding.

When you become a believer the problems of the world and every day personal struggles do not simply melt away.

Christians have it no easier than any other religion, no easier than atheists.  Our lives are filled with equal hardships.  It's not suddenly that we believe in God and the Christ who gave His life for us and we're rewarded with plentiful bounties here on earth where suddenly our relationships are perfect, we're promoted at work, or that Bentley we've always wanted sits in our drive-way.

No, to become a believer means something deeper.  And I have spent this year seeking.

This wasn't just a dating fast.  This wasn't just me struggling to be single.  This was a journey of purpose, seeking what is true love and life everlasting.

I have looked through the world with the eyes of a soul who knows that at the end of this life, at the end of this world, there is a God who loves us perfectly and has plans for us.  Plans for us to sit beside Him.  Plans for no more pain, no more suffering.

Life is not to be lived under the reigns of SINGLE or MARRIED.

But HIS.

Our short lives are lived out under the scope of eternity, and while we're here, it's a balance of mattering the least, but of what we do mattering the most.

My heart has changed eternally and no record could adequately share what is now His or all I have learned.

Only of this am I sure, that when one fasts from that on earth which holds the most meaning, they are sure to never be the same.

Day 246

Keep going.

I hear God saying this every day.  And every day I find myself more excited just to follow Him.

Today JB’s sermon just hit on so many levels for me.  And God just kept saying, “Yes, listen.”

This is the sweetest stage of my life, because I can hear Him so clearly, and He is so loving. 

I say, “I’m crap,” but hear, “There is greatness in you, because I am with you.”

I say, “I can’t do this,” but hear, “You can, because I am with you.”

I say, “It’ll never happen,” but hear, “It will, because I am with you.”

I say, “I’m not,” but hear, “I AM.”

He is.  Yahweh.  Father.  Redeemer.  Savior.  And I want to spend my life pouring into the next generation.  I want a Joshua.  I want my life—the life He has given me—to be spent focused outward, not inward.

I have met so many new people just within the last week.  And meeting new people just ignites a fire in me to meet new people, to meet new people, to meet new people.

My plan—it may not be God’s plan, but it might be—these next months are going to consist of me focusing, growing, learning, and praying like I’ve never prayed before, because especially after the sermon today I know it’s on my heart to disciple women. 

Coming up from the dark depths of really what was Hell in my life—I have every reason to try and save and pour into women around me.  You don’t have to let your past mistakes decide who you are.  Christ knows who you are and He died for you.  He died for me and I was the ugliest person I knew.  I never knew how much He loved me until someone started pouring into me, and if I can share His love with other women, then, by God, I am going to do it.

I am still imperfect.  I still make mistakes.  I am still ugly and unworthy and terrible.  But I am His.  And they are, too.  And they need to know.  And I want to do anything it takes to get me to that point where I have opportunity and confidence in how to share.

God, I just pray that you keep unfolding the layers of my life.  I pray that this passion does not drift quietly on, but stays a roaring fire in my heart.  I pray that the lives of others around me are touched and driven by the same, and as iron sharpens iron, we push each other.  I pray for my future, that You would lay a path of direction and focus for what I am to do.  I pray for energy, emotional strength, and trust in You and Your will for my life.  I pray for the women I’ve recently met.  I pray for the women who come into my life.  I pray for my sisters whose idol is marriage.  I pray for my own heart that it stays on You.  I pray that I accomplish Your will, and I can make You proud.  Like JB has said in the past, I am just one beggar telling another beggar where to get bread.  Let me be used by You in great ways.