I think anyone reading this blog knows this by now. Not different in a, “Man, she’s unique—she’s
special,” kind of way. But in a weird
way.
With the image I’ve had of myself it is hard for me to believe
that anyone could genuinely love me or miss me.
And in my head, when I pull away, I always think people won't notice.
The thoughts that come to mind are…
“They’re not going to care about me. They’re too busy…I’m not that important…they
have other friends…they don’t need me…they probably don’t even notice I’m gone.”
And I’m not saying this in a self-pity kind of way, but
matter-of-factly. Like it’s known by
everyone that I’m just not that important.
I had these thoughts when I came back from California. And while I was going through a rough time, I
pulled away. I never thought my actions would hurt anyone, because I’ve never mattered
enough to anyone for them to miss me.
Within the last couple of weeks I’ve spent time with
friends that I pulled away from. And it’s
been a hard hitting reality that I hurt them.
I hurt them?
How is that even possible? I just
disappeared. How can you hurt someone by
disappearing?
Well, Jamie, as you’re finding out, these people love
you, you, idiot.
I don’t think it’s anything that anyone could’ve said…I
think it’s all in their faces and expressions.
Because every time I've met up with someone in the last few weeks, it’s the same emotion. “You bailed on me.” “You cut out.” “You threw the deuces.” “You left me hanging.”
And to sit there and see them hurting because of
something I did—or didn’t—do, hurts my heart.
How could I hurt people? I didn’t
think I could, because that means that people would have actually have had to
care. And when has anyone ever cared
enough about me to miss me?
I just want to reach out and apologize and say I’m sorry
to them…I didn’t know it would hurt for me to pull away. But I realize I’m sorry’s don’t mean much if
the actions don’t change. And after
tonight I really just want to do better, be better, and be more and love more
and show them that I do love them.
I’m so broken when it comes to friendships, and, God, I just
pray for patience and grace and love and understanding. Because, let’s face it, I have no idea what I’m
doing.
