Day 159

The alarm clock went off, and, for a second, I fought with the reality that it was already morning.

Dead.  I felt dead.  My body felt like a rock, and I held my breath.

No, please, no, I exclaimed in my head.  But the sun was out and the maniacal beeping of my clock would not stop.

I left my apartment in a heavy state of depression.

I can’t do this, I thought as I hoisted myself into my car.  I feel dead.

My mindset clouded, I held back tears on the drive to work.

Don’t cry, because if you do, everyone at work will ask you why, and what will you tell them?  Telling them Satan has stolen your joy isn’t really the answer anyone will understand.  Don’t cry.  Hold it in.  You have three hours and then you’re home free, my mind sped.

I tried to breathe as the traffic lights shifted from red, to green, to yellow.  Traffic piling up.  This is the most miserable commute I’ve ever driven, I think.

Emotionally I should’ve been fine.  No real complaints in my life.  So why the depression?  My mind drifts to my physical state.  I have never been so physically broken.  And it would make sense if Satan has lost his grip on one platform that he would attack elsewhere.  Body weak, mind exhausted—this week has been one of the most physically draining weeks of my life.

So just end it.  Give up.

Ahh.  Old Familiar.  Hi Satan.

In my lowest moments of depression, he always seems to pop up.  Simple solution.  Just end it.  At this point, I’ve come to recognize his voice.  And as much as I know it’s him, just for split second, I contemplate it.  Crazy me, I think he’s right.

God, what am I doing?  Why do I feel this way?  Where are You?  Why do I feel so far from You?  How has this happened to me?  I’m so depressed. How has Satan stolen my joy?  He has used a million little things to tear me apart.  How am I so weak that, that's all it takes?  I can’t do this anymore…  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t do this anymore.  I give up.  Where are You?!

My eyes start watering and my grip on the steering wheel tightens.  Stuck at this red light, the song on the radio ends.  And another comes on.

Do you ever recognize the melody before you recognize the song?  I know this song, I think, and I know I love it…but what is it?

The soft strumming of the guitar continues, and a melodic voice begins to sing.

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold and just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far to be right where you are

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'll be here patiently waiting

God I knows know we're you’re worth it

No, I won't give up

It's Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up.  And then I really start crying, because I know it’s God, talking.  He’s right there with me, seeing me through everything.  I hear Him saying, “Okay, you can give up…fine, but I’m not going to.”

As the song comes to an end, I pull into my parking space at work, fixing my make-up.  I walk inside, bracing myself for 3 hours.  They pass.  Quickly.  And soon I’m out the door.

As soon I turned the key in the ignition, David Guetta’sWithout You came on.  I love this song, and have always thought of it as my song to God.  Every time I hear it, I think of Him.  And I just love it.  I love how He played that out for me.  On one hand I have God telling me He won’t give up on me, and then on the other, He’s reminding me of my love for Him.

I moved on in the rest of my day, meeting my old friend for Filipino food at VGM, and caught up with him.  And after lunch, I was driving home.  When that fork came between Farm Road and Shelby Farms, God told me to turn.  I parked, I walked, and I sat down in front of the lake.  By myself.  In the sunshine.  And just sat.  I watched as the water sparkled, the geese meandered over the grass, and the few people walking by.

I felt the sun warming my skin and the cool breeze playing with my hair.  And just sat in front of His creation.

I’m not going to leave you, Jamie.  While others have left you, while the body may fail, while suffering may come, I’m not going to leave you or forsake you.  At every moment in your suffering I am with you and I am for you.

When all else is gone, He’s still here.  Even when I just feel like everything else is gone, He's still there.  I have such a limited perspective of why—why I feel the way I feel, why things happen—but God has unlimited wisdom.

This last week has been so difficult, and I can’t even explain why.  I don’t even know why my heart was so sad.  But God—He has perfect knowledge and eternal perspective.  And He loves us.

“We don’t have a God who gives explanation, but Himself.”  –David Platt

Imagine if God gave explanations.  Jamie, you’re sad because…you’ve lost friendships, you’re sick, work is difficult, you never see the sun, you’re lonely—the list could go on.  How would that help me?

Instead I have a God who brings Himself to me, in His word, in music, in spirit, and in creation, and how much more precious and reassuring is that than explanation.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience,

but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis

PS. By the grace of God I came home and took an uninterrupted five hour nap...and I feel much, much, much better.