Day 347

Flee from temptation, right?  Right.

So when Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream would find its way onto my radio, I would change the station.  A girl like me with a past like mine need not hear such words or be led to think such thoughts.

I'm a get your heart racing

In my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me

In my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight

See?  See?!  Vivid imagination at work!  I do remember what it was like to be a teenager, Katy Perry, but I’m desperately trying not to remember.

For months, I’ve continuously clicked off the song...except for today when God laid on my heart Song of Solomon.

He made me think of context.  It depends on context. You can take those love ballads of Song of Solomon and place them between a man and a wife without being married, and it portrays a very different picture than that of two in covenant with God.

And I think that was why her song was so hard to hear when it initially came out, because of the context I had wrapped it in.  It made me think of my past, my recklessness, what I’ve given away and won’t have to give my future husband—all my hurt, from where it stemmed.

But thinking of Teenage Dream within the context of marriage, suddenly my entire perception of the song has changed.  Instead of imagining irresponsible, adulterous lovers, I see two committed people who have vowed to spend the rest of their lives together.  Try it.  Read it as if it’s a girl who’s dreaming about her husband…

You think I'm pretty

Without any makeup on What girl doesn’t want this?

You think I'm funny

When I tell the punchline wrong I especially need this guy!

I know you get me

So I let my walls come down, down Yup, ready for this guy.

Now every February

You'll be my Valentine, Valentine If I get married, I have a permanent Valentine.  Wow.

My heart stops

When you look at me Ready for this feeling, too.

Now baby I believe

This is real Waiting for the real deal.

We drove to Cali One day he’ll meet the ‘rents.

Got a motel and

Built a fort out of sheets Someone I can be a crazy kid with even when we’re old.

I finally found you

My missing puzzle piece That day when we find each other…

I'm complete Complete in a different way.

Let's go all the way tonight

No regrets, just love

The truest love is the love found in God, from Christ.  And that’s what I crave so desperately.  And I truly believe that if one does not know the love of Christ that he cannot know true love.

People give themselves away for love.  That’s why there are regrets.  People end relationships after having given the most intimate part of themselves to a person who wasn’t supposed to have it.

I know the next time it happens, if there is a next time, that it’s going to be something of beauty, and something out of true love.  Not just a hook-up.  Not just a way of validation.  If our love is Christ-centered, if we’ve kept God at the center of our hearts through our friendship, our courtship, our engagement…I don’t see there being regrets.

...for once, I don’t see there being regrets.  Which will be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

I think there’s a little bit of gospel in everything.  Now, this ain’t no Anthony Hamilton, but still, there’s a message in it.  God just sometimes has to focus our peripheral vision to see it.

We can dance, until we die

You and I, will be young forever

Day 224

My favorite weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are goofy.  The type of couple that just laugh at life—those are the people I love to watch marry.

Because I promise you, my groom and I will be cutting up on our wedding day.  I might trip awkwardly down the aisle, laugh as we say our vows, smash cake in his face, breakdance on the dance floor, and laugh hysterically through it all.

That’s one of the many things I’m searching for as I grow up.  Just someone I can laugh with.  After the romance dies down, I want to know I’m marrying my best friend.  The person who doesn’t take life so seriously.  The person who can laugh at himself.

I know we’ll be different in so many ways, but I ask that God makes us compatible in two:

1.       Let our senses of humor feed off one another.

2.       Let him be the type of person who has “never met a stranger.”

I see so many good things for my life.  I see myself serving and helping and meeting so many new people, and I want him to be right there with me.

Right now I’m watching Friends with Benefits.  Now, I’m not pro-friends-with-benefits, nor have I ever been—but to watch the friendship/relationship that develops between Jamie and Dylan really just reminds me that I want that.

That laughter.  That baring your soul.  That freedom to joke.  The fun.  It’s fun to watch them.  And I pray for that.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that the closer you get to thirty, the more you know yourself.  The more secure you are in you.

And that has definitely been true for me.  I know more about myself now than I ever have.  I’m more confident.  More secure.  I know what I want and what I won’t settle for anymore.

And that reminds me that being single will always be better than settling.  And I’ll keep my heart open for that guy who comes along who can be my best friend, my lover, and my husband.

Though this is Memphis, where barbecue abounds, I know I’m somebody’s rib...and eventually he'll find me :)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Day 191

Marriage is like a fairy tale.

I sit, I watch, I rejoice as husbands cradle their wives, wives clamor to their husbands.  This has been the year of weddings, and it's not over yet.

Each time, there is a deep joy in my heart that two people have found each other in the masses and have committed to spending their lives together as one.  With that joy, there's also a subtle ache.  Kind of like the drunk uncle that shows up to the wedding and starts dancing.

You don't want him there, but he is.  Prancing all over your feelings.

I think deep down I believe in marriage.  I believe in love.  I believe in commitment.

But only for other people.

Not for me.  No.  I'm far too stained and far too gone for anyone besides God to love.

I never imagined at 27 that I'd be single.  In fact, there were plenty of things I never thought I would be at 27, but here I am.  All that I have made me to be.  All the sin, all the dirt, and the death.  Forget all that I am and all that God has made me to be—no, I'm far too dirty to be loved by another person.  God is going to have to suffice, I think, because no one else could possibly love me like God.

Who would sacrifice his desires for me?

Who would sacrifice his health?

His wealth?

Who would sacrifice his life for me?

No, no I don't believe in marriage for me.

That dancing uncle is all I have.

How much longer will I ache for the husband that doesn't exist?

Take this fire from me, God, and let me only want You.

Apparently my trust in God is waning.  As is my hope.  And so is the knowledge that I've been forgiven.  Hashtag, more issues to deal with.  Hashtag, sigh.

Day 48

“If you’re not a Christian, I do want to give you one tip about dating. Okay, here’s what it is: Non-Christians, don’t date a Christian unless you plan to become one. And let me tell you why. You don’t know they’re doing this to you and they’re going to hate me for telling you this, but this whole—when a Christian dates a non-Christian, it is all about bait-and-switch. You need to understand that. I can prove it. They’ve got you at church today.  See, they’re already working this, ‘Heeey, you want to go to church?’ Okay, you know, here’s the deal.  They do not accept you the way you are. They want you to become a Christian.  They want you to become a Christian, ‘cause their momma’s nervous, their daddy’s nervous, they know they shouldn’t be dating a non-Christian and they want you to become a Christian.  In fact, they’re really hating me right now, but you know what, I’m not the first person that has said this and as a non-Christian, I got to tell you, you’d be better off finding an honest Pagan, okay?  They will accept you just the way you are.  Christians will not.  And, I’m telling you, if you marry ‘em—if you marry a Christian they are going to want to set up shop…so, if you’re not a Christian I would be very, very careful about dating a Christian, because they have an agenda.” — Andy Stanley, Senior Pastor at Northpoint Community Church

1. Looks like the dating pool just got a little bit a lot smaller for me.  Non-Christians need not apply when I start dating again in 317 days.

2. I love Andy Stanley.  He’s hilarious.  Listen to his sermon.  Even if you’re not a Christian, there’s a lot of useful wisdom jam-packed in there.  The above excerpt is about 36 minutes into his series: The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating; Part 4: If I Were You.  Click on #4.

3. I want to start dating again.  Now.  The urge is creeping.  And I’m attracted to Christians and non-Christians alike.  Not happening with either, Jamie.  So suck it up, and keep pushing on.  No distractions or cheap imitations.  I’ve made it 26 years without settling, I refuse to let it happen now, and I refuse to let it happen 317+ days from now.

4. Agenda.  Yup.  He called it.  Christians have agendas.  Though I would never have admitted to it >:)  Friendships and relationships alike, we’re pulling for Christ all the way.

5. I honestly don’t think, as a woman and a new Christian, that I could date a non-Christian.  For women, with men having to meet the standard of being the spiritual leaders in the family, there is no way I’d be able to fill both pairs of shoes.

6. “What’d you get your boyfriend for Christmas?”  “Oh, if I had a boyfriend, you mean…”  “Oh,” which is then followed with pity, apologies, and promises for ‘maybe soon’.  Nobody died, dear, sweet customers at the bank.  There’s no funeral.  I’m still alive, people!  If my relationship status wasn’t on the mind of every sweet grandma and grandpa who wants to see me married, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much that I’m not.

Will.i.ever.be.married? to Will.i.am.okay.no.matter.what.

Day 7

I am such a sucker for romance.

I can’t help it.  That’s who I am.

I cry at weddings.  I cry at romantic comedies.  I cry when I see an elderly couple holding hands.

Yeah, that’s me.  That girl.  And tonight was no exception.

For the first time I saw a proposal in real life.  I know that sounds dumb, but I’ve never seen anyone propose to anyone before.  So tonight, as I watched my buddy propose to the love of his life, I cried.  It was such a beautiful moment.

God gave me a gift in having two different friends at two different times become engaged, because I am able to experience perspectives from both the bride side and the groom side.  Of all the feelings I felt—shock, fear, joy, glee, nervousness—the greatest was this sense of radiating love.  Deep, pure, dedicated love.

That must be how God feels about us.  Just this magnificent, strong, powerful, unyielding love.  We’re the bride of Christ and He’s our groom.  And if marriage here on earth is just a sampling, phew…can you imagine?  Man, that’s a lot of love.

Love exists.  Don't be fooled.

I am so happy for them, and look forward to sharing in their lives together for years, and years, and years to come :)  Thank You, God, for letting me be a part of something so special tonight!  Please bless their marriage, and give them patience during this next year apart.