Day 323

She set up the entire event by herself.

She set up every event by herself.

She is amazing in this way.

Instead of complaining about lack of friends and friends who failed to step up, she just did it.

The bridal shower.  The bachelorette party.  The wedding reception.

She handled herself with grace and humor.

I can’t say I would’ve done the same.  Maybe I would’ve cursed the friends who RVSP’d ‘yes’ and went to Redbirds game instead.  I may have cried when I spent days planning a shower and then that friend who promised she’d be there couldn’t even call the day of to offer regrets.  I would’ve cried.  I would’ve confronted.  I would’ve collapsed.

But not her.

And last night, when the last of the parties was over, I stayed to clean with her.  Friendship is synonymous with sacrifice, though I think more people choose to associate it only with forgiveness.  You sacrifice identities like pride and feelings of resentment.  You sacrifice your first choice for a second.  You sacrifice your time and your energy.  You get there fifteen minutes early and you stay fifteen minutes late, if you’re able.

And as I started stacking chairs, cleaning in my nice summer dress and heels, I saw her lifelong best friend (and said friend’s fiancé) cleaning beside me.

In her new dress and new cardigan, she shifted comfort to the wayside, and stayed behind to clean up the hall.  Her fiancé swept, cleared the tables, and waited around for more orders.  My heart swelled a little upon bearing witness to a small, but meaningful sacrifice—this act of kindness and love—and it thoroughly made an impression on me.

Friends aren’t necessarily the people at the party.  They’re the after-party people, willing and ready to serve in their new dresses in whatever capacity they are called.

In the old saying, everyone in your life is a branch, or a leaf, or a root.  Mostly everyone is a leaf, not everyone is a branch, and time will reveal the roots in your life.  Hold fast to them and let everyone else go.  Don’t sweat the leaves that are sure to fall away, because that’s energy wasted that should be spent at an after-party in a cardigan and heels with roots.

Day 224

My favorite weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are goofy.  The type of couple that just laugh at life—those are the people I love to watch marry.

Because I promise you, my groom and I will be cutting up on our wedding day.  I might trip awkwardly down the aisle, laugh as we say our vows, smash cake in his face, breakdance on the dance floor, and laugh hysterically through it all.

That’s one of the many things I’m searching for as I grow up.  Just someone I can laugh with.  After the romance dies down, I want to know I’m marrying my best friend.  The person who doesn’t take life so seriously.  The person who can laugh at himself.

I know we’ll be different in so many ways, but I ask that God makes us compatible in two:

1.       Let our senses of humor feed off one another.

2.       Let him be the type of person who has “never met a stranger.”

I see so many good things for my life.  I see myself serving and helping and meeting so many new people, and I want him to be right there with me.

Right now I’m watching Friends with Benefits.  Now, I’m not pro-friends-with-benefits, nor have I ever been—but to watch the friendship/relationship that develops between Jamie and Dylan really just reminds me that I want that.

That laughter.  That baring your soul.  That freedom to joke.  The fun.  It’s fun to watch them.  And I pray for that.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that the closer you get to thirty, the more you know yourself.  The more secure you are in you.

And that has definitely been true for me.  I know more about myself now than I ever have.  I’m more confident.  More secure.  I know what I want and what I won’t settle for anymore.

And that reminds me that being single will always be better than settling.  And I’ll keep my heart open for that guy who comes along who can be my best friend, my lover, and my husband.

Though this is Memphis, where barbecue abounds, I know I’m somebody’s rib...and eventually he'll find me :)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Day 148

“The man who makes me laugh will easily find his way into my heart.”

This is what I want for you.

I heard His voice as I watched her walk down the aisle to him, giggling.

This is what I want for you.

I heard Him again as they laughed and danced their way back down the aisle to Walking on Sunshine.

This is what I want for you.

They laughed as they made their first entrance as husband and wife.

They laughed during their first dance.

They laughed as they cut their cake.

Laughing, laughing, laughing, enjoying each other.

And I just kept hearing God, This is what I want for you.

And I don’t know when it clicked, but it did and I thought, Hey, I want this, too.

I want someone who will laugh with me.  Someone I can enjoy life with, side by side, as my best friend.  Someone not too scared to be goofy with me.  Someone not scared to be different and funny and lighthearted, and intentionally seeking joy.

This is the happiness I want for you.  Jamie, you love to laugh.  I know this about you, because I created you.  Everything you are, I made.  You have a heart that is meant for someone to appreciate, someone to nurture it and the joy inside it.  These last relationships, though full of meaningful lessons, were never made to work.  They didn’t make you smile, they didn’t make you laugh.  It was, indeed, very much the opposite.  You smile so much now.  And I want you to recognize this.  You will spend the rest of your life smiling, laughing, and feeling the joy of the blessings I bestow upon you.  But, I do not promise you a husband.  Instead I promise that you will live a life filled with joy and laughter.  And I would rather you be single and have this freeness in life, than, like Bryan said, be leashed to a love unworthy of you. Because though you may find moments of sadness in solitude, nothing is sadder than settling for someone.  Take comfort that this is My plan, and cling to the importance of joy.  For if you so decide to trade that joy for a spouse that doesn’t fit, it will be a sad day for not only you, but Me.

And I do take comfort in that—so much comfort.  Because He is right.  I’ve laughed more in the last four months than I have throughout entire relationships.   If my options were to be single and happy or be married and miserable, I would rather be happy.  Not that those are my only options, because they’re not—but, they are if I settle.  If I settle just to have someone in my life, I am surely taking the lesser of the two routes.

And knowing this, hearing this from Him in this way, watching the wedding yesterday, I feel more at peace with God’s plan for me…whatever it may be.

For you are our glory and joy (1 Thessalonians 2:20).

Day 147

It was last June that I made an agreement with God to be uncomfortable.

And by uncomfortable, I mean doing things I really wanted to do even if nobody else wanted to do them with me.  Like, going to see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast by myself, because no one else would go with me.

Today when my date to the wedding canceled, I was anxious.

By myself, God?  I know I told You I would put myself in uncomfortable situations, but this is different.  A wedding is personal—it’s not like a play.  I’m going to go and know absolutely no one.  I haven’t seen her in years, and You’re asking me to go to this wedding alone?  …okay.  I’ll follow You.

And so I dressed.  And I left my apartment, nervous.  Social situations always make me nervous.  So you can imagine how high my anxiety was at this point.

I drove down Walnut Grove to Houston Levee, and from Houston Levee turned on Raleigh LaGrange.  Most of my anxiety was lost when I roared down the curvy roads—something I love to do.  Not another car in sight.  A blessing and a gift!  God let me have some fun to cool my nerves.  Trees surrounded me.  Green was the only color I could see, and the path was beautiful.

Well, my GPS led me in the wrong direction.  I saw signs for a wedding at some point, but followed my misleading computer to a house.

Nooo, I’m pretty sure this isn’t it, GPS.  Where have you taken me?!  Aaahhh!

So I went back to the street where I saw the signs and followed it.  Ten minutes.  I had ten minutes to find my way to this mystery wedding, and I was quickly running out of time!

Where are you?  Maybe I should just turn around and go home!  Ugh, I would hate that!  All this effort just to turn around?  No!

And I’m glad I didn’t give up, because within the next minute I found myself at the location.  Still kind of lost, I rolled down my window to talk to a girl walking almost aimlessly.  Now if I had been with someone I wouldn’t have asked for directions, but because I was completely and utterly lost, I managed to ask, “Hey, can I ask you something?”  Yeah, I’m so suave.

She had her phone in hand.  “Yeah?”

“Are you going to Jessica’s wedding?”

She smiled and we made small talk about being lost.  She said I was headed in the right direction, and after I parked I noticed she was still outside.  She told me she was waiting on some friends, and I took this opportunity to introduce myself.

As I continued to talk and walk, I realized she was walking with me.

Yes!  I’m not going to be alone!  Thank You, God!  You delivered!

For a girl who has anxiety problems, this was a true gift from God to instantly make a friend on the way in.  And so we sat together for the rest of the service and when she left, I had befriended her friends, so I wasn’t alone ever.

And I enjoyed myself.  It was such a great day.

With the social aspect of the afternoon being taken care of, I was able to sit back, relax, and take in the beauty of it all.

I listened as the groom’s best friend sang Laura Story’s What a Savior.  I watched as they lit the eternity candle and shared their matrimonial kiss.  I watched as they joyfully danced down the aisle.  I watched as the bride broke out into an awesome dance with her dad at the end of their father-daughter ensemble to Safety Dance by Men with Hats.

The entire service was filled with so much goofiness, joy, and light-heartedness.

At the end of night, I saw the bride as I was leaving.  She hugged me and said, “I am so happy you came!  I was telling [the groom] I didn’t know if you would and I feel so bad because we haven’t had a chance to do anything with the dogs, but we’ll be home [then] and we can get together!”  And I walked to my car, feet as light as they’ve ever been.  And not just because of the wine!

Being comfortable only takes you so far.  Being uncomfortable stretches you!

Things I wouldn't otherwise do, I did them tonight, because I had to.  Getting lost, finding myself, asking for directions, meeting new people, dancing—God stretched me tonight.  And because I followed Him, I was given so much joy.  Driving down a beautiful road, meeting new people, hearing wonderful music, listening to a mini-sermon, watching two people proclaim their love, enjoying delicious food, talking to someone about their mission trip to Nicaragua, dancing to the always-awesome Cupid Shuffle, admiring a beautiful sunset, and, most importantly, and being okay.

Being okay in a situation that would have terrified me a year ago.

Uncomfortable can be transformed into comfortable when you trust God and let Him take the wheel.

I drove home from the wedding, happy and content, the wind playing through my hair.  My car perfectly traced the curvy road, and I sang Carrie Underwood songs at the top of my lungs.  Again, I was the only one on the street.

And as my headlights hit the rounds of trees, I felt so thankful.  Hope.  Reassurance.  Trust.  These were built today.  And I can’t wait to see what else God has up His sleeve.  In awe tonight, I think to myself just what my life would look like if I spent every day trusting Him and pushing myself.

Day 13

Jamie:                    Have you always been a Christian?

Friend:                   Since I was young.

Jamie:                    All your family Christian?

Friend:                   Yeah…your family?

Jamie:                    Nobody’s Christian in mine.

Friend:                   Wow. I respect that. I didn’t have to make any sacrifices to believe.

This is a conversation I had with a friend some time ago.

When he said it, the word sacrifice stabbed me in the heart.  Sacrifice?  No one had ever used that word to describe my family.  And it stung me, because I know there is truth to it.  Somewhere in my heart, I know this is a sacrifice that comes with following Christ.

Tonight I sat in the theater with my best friends, watching the ever-famous Twilight.  A ridiculous love story between a vampire and human, this movie held the weight of their wedding.

I read the saga a few summers ago.  With each book you’re an audience to the deepening love of Bella and Edward.  Nothing can keep them apart; no one can separate them from each other.  Bella is willing to sacrifice friends and family—and her very life—to be with the one she loves.

That’s a strong love.

When I watched her walked down the aisle tonight, I saw the pain in her eyes.  The confusion, the hurt, the fear of goodbye.  She held onto her father and walked with unsteady legs, realizing exactly what her decision meant.  Loving Edward meant saying goodbye.  It meant accepting that everyone she loved would eventually die while she would live on forever.  She wants to be with Edward, but what that means hurts her deeply.  As she and her father Charlie pause for a moment, she surveys the picture before her.  Wedding guests smile, and her stomach churns.  You wonder if she’ll make it to the altar.

And then she sees him.

At the end of the aisle is the love of her life.  And her eyes stay focused on him.  And just like that, she’s reminded of why she’s making the sacrifice.  While she loves her family very much, she knows the decision already cemented within her heart.

This is what loving God means to me.

I say goodbye to the life I knew.  Because I know at the end of the aisle is where I’m supposed to be.  With Him.  Forever.  As tormented as I am—leaving my world, my friends, my family—behind, I know The Truth in my heart.

And there you have it.  I cried at Twilight.  And not because of the cheesy love story, but because of the greatest love story in my life and what it means.

Note: You have to really know me to understand where my heart is now.  There is much this post does not reveal, and I truly wrote it for my own use, not for an audience.

Day 7

I am such a sucker for romance.

I can’t help it.  That’s who I am.

I cry at weddings.  I cry at romantic comedies.  I cry when I see an elderly couple holding hands.

Yeah, that’s me.  That girl.  And tonight was no exception.

For the first time I saw a proposal in real life.  I know that sounds dumb, but I’ve never seen anyone propose to anyone before.  So tonight, as I watched my buddy propose to the love of his life, I cried.  It was such a beautiful moment.

God gave me a gift in having two different friends at two different times become engaged, because I am able to experience perspectives from both the bride side and the groom side.  Of all the feelings I felt—shock, fear, joy, glee, nervousness—the greatest was this sense of radiating love.  Deep, pure, dedicated love.

That must be how God feels about us.  Just this magnificent, strong, powerful, unyielding love.  We’re the bride of Christ and He’s our groom.  And if marriage here on earth is just a sampling, phew…can you imagine?  Man, that’s a lot of love.

Love exists.  Don't be fooled.

I am so happy for them, and look forward to sharing in their lives together for years, and years, and years to come :)  Thank You, God, for letting me be a part of something so special tonight!  Please bless their marriage, and give them patience during this next year apart.