Today someone yelled at me even though it wasn’t my
fault. Today I stood silent, and let
them yell. I didn’t fight. I tried to help. The staying quiet part wasn’t difficult, because
I’ve been quiet my entire life. What
stood out today was that after they left, my emotional state was intact. I wasn’t upset with them. I wasn’t berating myself for not doing
more. It was like it didn’t happen at
all. And normally I’m up in arms,
defending myself, or worse, talking trash about them afterwards. But today, nothing. They walked on, and I moved on. And it felt so good not to carry that
baggage.
Met with a new friend for dinner today. We laughed that it really was like a blind
date. And I don’t know if was her or
just that I’m growing more comfortable with myself, but I wasn’t as anxious as
I’ve been meeting new people.
Considering the last three months have consisted of nothing but new
faces, maybe I’ve reached this point where I’m okay. Instead of thinking everyone is going to run
screaming from me, I’m becoming more comfortable with myself. I’ve also learned that I am different in group
settings and one-on-one settings. I have
fun at both, but there’s definitely more intimacy one-on-one. And instead of concentrating on, “Will they
like me?” I’m focused on them and intentionally trying to get to know them.
This is what I needed.
I needed someone to look at me and say, “Yes.” I needed encouragement. For once, it was nice not to hear, “God has a
beautiful plan for your life, man or not,” and instead, “Yes, there will be
someone for you. Are you kidding me?” Every girl needs to hear that once in a
while. And while, yes, God’s plan for me
will be great either way, it’s encouraging to hear that reassurance in another’s
voice.
One of the things I learned from my father was that it’s
nice to pay for meals. I remember
growing up and he and his best friend would argue over the ticket, and dad
would normally win. At a certain age,
paying dutch became the usual, and it hasn’t come back to me until this point
in life that sometimes it’s nice and honoring to treat a friend to dinner. It doesn’t always happen, but when I can, I
can. I think this was recently reignited
in me when my longtime guy friend and I hung out at lunch, and he stole the
ticket. He said to me, he was “taught to
always be prepared to buy the other’s person lunch.” Not that he always has to, but when he can,
it’s a nice, forgotten gesture of appreciation.
It says, “Time is valuable and I appreciated you spending some of it
with me tonight.” It means so much to me
when friends do this. I love being able
to do it for other people—ahem, people who won’t take advantage of it.
I am so lucky to have such wonderful dogs. After dating non-stop for the last four years
that I’ve had them, these first two months have been spent pretty much
reconnecting to them. Mommy to
doggies. Paris cuddles me when I
cry. Cheeyo gives me a hug every day
after work. And they both sleep with me
at night and wake me up in the morning.
Granted, they’re pains sometimes—Cheeyo just tried to drink my Almay
mascara—but I really love them and love being able to spend time with them.
Our waiter at the restaurant today asked me if I was something else. I forgot how he asked it, but he was very nice about it. I told him about my mom, and he said, “Aaaaah, I could kind of tell. I could see it.” We got onto the topic of age, and I told him he didn’t look his age, and he said, “It’s the Asian in me.” I laughed and said, “Oh, good, then I still stand a chance!” I’m always tickled when people ask me if I’m something besides white. Mostly they say Hispanic, but I was flattered when an Asian recognized the Asian in me! Maybe I’ll look more Japanese the older I get…hmmm. Thanks, Grandma!
