Day 366: The Final Installment

“I intended to create a small miracle.  Something
to glorify God...sometimes I wonder if
we haven’t created something that glorifies man.”
—Sheikh Muhammed, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

A sheikh desires to bring the sport of fishing to the Yemen.  After many struggles, setbacks, and conspiracies to destroy his plan, finally his venture is successful.

Often times I feel as if this challenge has served to glorify me rather than the God who is the only reason for my prosperity, for my deliverance.

I have done nothing differently than others who have taken on such a feat.  The only reason I made it is because of every single moment of doubt, every moment of strife, of sorrow, of loneliness, I went to Beer-lahai-roi.

I went to Him.

Dating fast?  Though there is not an easier way to describe my venture, I feel as if no words would ever be adequate to describe this most amazing year.

A year spent devoted to Him.
Obedient to Him.
Listening to Him.
Resting in Him.

I say I did nothing.  And it’s true.  The most I did was sit...and listen.  He made the difficult decisions.  He told me when to move, when to be still.

The secret of the challenge is simply to remove yourself.  You put away your desires, and let your ears hear Him.  Let your fears be quieted by His might.  Deafen yourself to your doubts, overwhelmed by His love.  You listen to something outside of yourself.  You listen and you trust God, a God who loves you.

Why would a God who loves you lead you in the wrong direction?  If you’re heading in the wrong direction, I’d dare say it is a matter of you following your own map.

The reassuring news is that no matter how lost you become, all maps lead back to Beer-lahai-roi.

You are never lost.  You are never unloved.  And you are never unwanted.

For a God who wills all, loves all, wants all, you are never too far out of reach.

There is joy all around, imperceivable, hidden, and healing.

Simply, sometimes it’s just a matter of you letting go of your own map to see it.

Day 61

A couple Sundays ago, I knew something had changed.

I stayed behind like I normally have the last few months while the congregation went to the table, but this day I felt a little push to join them.  I remained behind, but was curious as to this new feeling in my heart.

It was Tuesday that I understood.

I had walked into the back office at work when I heard his voice.

In the beginning of our time together, his presence lit me like a fire.  That fire quickly died, leaving a tarnished stain on my heart.  His later visits would invoke bitterness and a deep ache.  I grew to look forward to his absence and beyond his occasional, fleeting presence.

And there he stood.  Like the charmer he is, my coworkers were captivated and completely smitten with him.

And me?

I stood in the background and smiled.

I felt nothing.

No anger over his departure.  No sadness over our past.  No giddiness at his visit.  Nothing.

Free, was all I could think.  Free!

Me—the girl who had changed, begged, pleaded, hoped, perished, and settled—that me was free.

And every day I find more value in life—in me.  Because God has taken these 61 days and He’s taken me from that dark place and into the light, where I can bloom, where I can be free, where I can love Him, and feel His love.

And know that I am worth it.  I am worth love.  And because of that love, forgiveness comes.

“…When you come to the cross, you realize that Christ has died for what you have done…but you also realize that Christ has died for what’s been done to you.  Just as powerful as His death was for what you have done is the power of His death for what has been done to you.  So the New Testament says, ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgive each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you...’  This does not say, ‘Just going to excuse that’…Forgiveness does not equal excusing.  Forgiveness is a realization that Christ died for my sins and your sins and some of your sins really hurt me bad, but I’m choosing to forgive you, and allow judgment to be handled by God.  Now if there’s anything that needs to be settled between you and God I’m trusting God is going to settle it, and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life holding hostility and bitterness, and unforgiveness against you, because I want to meet someone…I want to be able to walk into my relationship…and say, by the power of the cross and grace of God, I am free from that.”—Louie Giglio, Passion City Church