Day 8

I have no idea where the tears came from.

Wait, yes, I do.

They came from these layered personal tragedies, lost hope suffocating my courage, vicious lies from Satan.  Emptiness grew these tears, and Despair pushed them out from the very depths of my heart.  All I remember is emotionally collapsing in the cove, memories of this last year flashing through my mind like snapshots from a horror film.

They held me as I cried.  They were the only thing holding me up.

What an odd feeling for a soul to crumble, but rejoice at the same time.

I wept for the girl I was.  For her pain.  For everything she went through.  For all that she endured, both before coming Christ, and especially after.

I sobbed.  And I celebrated.  I rejoiced in having a faithful God.  A God who provides in His timing, in His way.

They held me up.

They held me.

I consider everything I’ve lost the greatest gift God could’ve ever given me.

A way to stop my deepest sin.  A sorrow to end my desire.  The absence of friends to appreciate His eventual gift.  Failed relationships to hinder my dependence.  Friendships to grow me, to guide me, to remind me of His love—His sweet, sweet love.

I am loved.  And He loves me.

And I am His, and He is mine.

I am emotionally exhausted.   But I'm under His light.

And so begins Week 2.

Day 2

About a year ago, God gave me this scripture.

Little did I know when I received it I was about to go through the most miserable time of my life.

I feel as if God stripped everything He could outwardly of me in this last year.

Your boyfriend is a Pharisee. Strip.
You are prideful. Strip.
You idolize your church. Strip.
You are dependent. Strip.
You idolize relationships. Strip.
You have been lied to. Strip.

I prayed a prayer a long time ago for Him to recreate a new heart in me.  He began last year with the outward and continues this year with the inward.  He stripped away the bad, and now it's time to rebuild.  He and I have traveled a long road together, and to think it's only begun is terrifyingly overwhelming.  Sometimes I think I can't do, or won't do, but in my heart I know what's right.

Today was a lonely day.  But I am being renewed each and every minute.  Healing takes time.  And I will never go wrong surrendering to or being obedient to God.