Day 44

It was snowing.

I was dressed in my heavy black overcoat.  Such a contrast against the bleached background.  Dan walked beside me, his face straight-laced, as we made our way through the winter flakes.

After a year apart, we had decided to try again.  As he crunched the snow beneath him, it occurred to me I had no idea why we had agreed to this.  I watched him as I would a stranger.  Neither love nor hate filled my spirit.

As we somberly climbed the stairs to the house in front of us I realized we were visiting Evan.  Dan and Evan were friends.  I had dated them both.  Dan first, and Evan more recently, him being the one I had loved more deeply.  When we walked into his living room, Evan’s back was turned toward me.

He was skyping with his coworkers who were on a ski trip out of town.  They started guffawing when they saw me, as if there was a joke I had missed.  Evan’s eyes met mine, and his disdain was immediately evident.  His face took on lines of anger as he turned away from me.  He continued to laugh with his buddies, and even welcomed Dan with a warm hug.

But to me, the girl he had loved, his eyes remained bitter.

As I waited for Dan to finish whatever he had come here to finish, Evan approached me from behind.  I turned around and, for the first time in many months, stood face to face with him.

The face I had once loved was gone.  This one was raw and tormented, lips turned down in a snarl.  A stranger stood before me. 

“Get out of my house.”

“What?” I asked, hoping I had misheard.

Ugliness covered his face and hate radiated in his voice.

“Get.  Out.  Of.  My.  House.”

I looked for Dan.  He didn’t stand up or even acknowledge what was being said.  He continued to zone in on the 60 inch TV where Evan’s friends paused to listen.

It hurt to look into Evan’s eyes—strange eyes that held no familiarity.  Dan’s reaction I expected.  He had never stood up for me the first time we dated.  But Evan—Evan I had loved with all my heart, and he had always treated me with respect, so his sudden disrespect was a shock.  I was in disbelief that he could be so cruel.

And so I left.  I walked away, letting the door slam behind me.

Disgust filled my heart.  It was so strong that by my tenth step, I turned around.  I marched up the porch, gracefully walking back into his house.  Evan sat on his lounge, laughing.  When my eyes pierced his, he became silent.  And suddenly, he looked different.  He was still internally Evan, but he outwardly looked like my best guy friend Jackson, the friend who has always shown me respect.

I made sure he was looking directly into my eyes as I spoke my next words.

“You don’t get to treat me like this ever again.  One day you’ll understand.”

The house was silent.  There was no more laughter.  He said nothing, and I took one last look at him before I walked back out into the white afternoon.  As tears fell down my cheeks, I left that house and everyone in it behind.

Yesterday marked my seventh week of not taking communion with the church.

·   I saw a picture of Dan a few days ago.  I looked at his face, recognizing the flaws I saw as his girlfriend, as someone who really knew him.  And instead of just pain, I think that was the first day I really felt…sad.  Not in a callous you-haven’t-changed-way, but sad like I suddenly, truly wanted more for him.  It was a weird experience, and I think my dream related it well.

·   Apparently I’m more hurt by Evan than my consciousness let me realize.  Because of the way it ended—or didn’t end—the time we spent together feels void.  Where is my goodbye?

·   Evan and I were friends for a long time before we started dating.  I trusted him.  Just like I trust Jackson.  There is a part of me that doesn’t trust men—father, friend or otherwise—and it’s almost like I’m already prepared to be hurt.  Like it’s a matter of time before a guy friend hurts me.

God, I praise you for helping me sort through my feelings with Dan, and letting me get to this point.  I pray that you continue to work on my heart with Evan, and let me forgive him and myself for everything that happened.  And with the men in my life, please continue to grow my heart for them and to build up trust in them.  And lastly, please continue to protect me from men who aren’t of You, who don’t love You, and therefore cannot love me.  You’ve been faithful so far, and I believe it’s only up for here on out.

Day 6

I really feel blank right now.  Instead of one train of thought, here’s a couple sporadic ones:

·         Today my friend bought my lunch.  He picked up the ticket and I expected us to go to the counter and pay separately, but when I saw him signing the receipt, he had paid for both our meals.  I was truly touched and thankful.  I didn’t know there are guys who still do that for their girl friends.  It really reminded me of something my dad would do.  He never lets women pay, and normally refuses to let his friends pay.  Money comes, and money goes, I’ve realized, and if you can give, it always makes someone’s day better.  So thank You, God, for showing me men can still be gentlemen.

·         I’ve almost finished reading A Cross Shaped Gospel.  I’ve really enjoyed it.  I find myself nodding my head in agreement to every chapter.  I’ve been down those paths…liberal churches and racism and classism.  I thought I was crazy to think some of the things I’ve thought, but there was reassurance in this book.  There’s also been some conviction about other topics.

·         Communion and unreconciled relationships.  I still cannot forgive my ex.  After almost a year after its end, his actions still haunt me.  I’ve heard Bryan say it before, “Don’t come to the table if you have unreconciled relationships…” and he states it again in his book.  Ugh.  God, really?  I hear Your voice telling me to not take communion again until I’ve forgiven him.  I’m scared, because I don’t know what it would take.  But part of me thinks if I had a reason—a tangible reason—to move on, maybe I could.  So I’m considering not taking communion until my heart is in a better place.  I don’t like having this disdain in my heart.

·         First impressions.  Rick Warren tweeted this: 1st impressions are often WRONG since they're based on past experience, your current mood, the surrounding, or appearance.  That being said, I feel like I give terrible first impressions, especially in group settings and especially with girls.  I’ve never had a group of girl friends before—why would I if I’ve always been boo’d up?  So now I have to redevelop myself.  I just pray that the new friends in my life have so much grace for me.  My story is so counter-culture.  Who I am is so counter-culture.  I’m socially awkward in every way.

·         Breakfast and Mexican food.  My two favorite loves.  I could eat just these two types of food the rest of my life and be happy.

·         Anniversary-ish. It’s been a little over a year since I was saved.  Thank You, God, for capturing my heart!