It was snowing.
I was dressed in my
heavy black overcoat. Such a contrast against the bleached background. Dan walked beside me, his face straight-laced,
as we made our way through the winter flakes.
After a year apart,
we had decided to try again. As he crunched
the snow beneath him, it occurred to me I had no idea why we had agreed to this. I watched him as I would a stranger. Neither love nor hate filled my spirit.
As we somberly climbed the stairs to the house in front of us I realized we were visiting Evan. Dan and Evan were friends. I had dated them both. Dan first, and Evan more recently, him being
the one I had loved more deeply. When we
walked into his living room, Evan’s back was turned toward me.
He was skyping with
his coworkers who were on a ski trip out of town. They started guffawing when they saw me, as
if there was a joke I had missed. Evan’s
eyes met mine, and his disdain was immediately evident. His face took on lines of anger as he turned
away from me. He continued to laugh with
his buddies, and even welcomed Dan with a warm hug.
But to me, the girl
he had loved, his eyes remained bitter.
As I waited for Dan
to finish whatever he had come here to finish, Evan approached me from
behind. I turned around and, for the
first time in many months, stood face to face with him.
The face I had once loved was gone. This one was raw and
tormented, lips turned down in a snarl.
A stranger stood before me.
“Get out of my
house.”
“What?” I asked, hoping
I had misheard.
Ugliness covered
his face and hate radiated in his voice.
“Get. Out.
Of. My. House.”
I looked for
Dan. He didn’t stand up or even
acknowledge what was being said. He
continued to zone in on the 60 inch TV where Evan’s friends paused to listen.
It hurt to look
into Evan’s eyes—strange eyes that held no familiarity. Dan’s reaction I
expected. He had never stood up for me
the first time we dated. But Evan—Evan I
had loved with all my heart, and he had always treated me with respect, so his
sudden disrespect was a shock. I was in
disbelief that he could be so cruel.
And so I left. I walked away, letting the door slam behind me.
Disgust filled my
heart. It was so strong that by my tenth step, I turned around. I marched up the porch, gracefully walking back into his house. Evan sat on his lounge, laughing. When my eyes pierced his, he became
silent. And suddenly, he looked
different. He was still internally Evan,
but he outwardly looked like my best guy friend Jackson, the friend who has
always shown me respect.
I made sure he was
looking directly into my eyes as I spoke my next words.
“You don’t get to
treat me like this ever again. One day
you’ll understand.”
The house was silent. There was no more laughter. He said nothing, and I took one last look at
him before I walked back out into the white afternoon. As tears fell down my cheeks, I left that
house and everyone in it behind.
Yesterday marked my seventh week of not taking communion
with the church.
·
I saw a picture of Dan a few days ago. I looked at his face, recognizing the flaws I
saw as his girlfriend, as someone who really knew him. And instead of just pain, I think that was
the first day I really felt…sad. Not in
a callous you-haven’t-changed-way, but sad like I suddenly, truly wanted more
for him. It was a weird experience, and
I think my dream related it well.
·
Apparently I’m more hurt by Evan than my
consciousness let me realize. Because of
the way it ended—or didn’t end—the time we spent together feels void. Where is my goodbye?
·
Evan and I were friends for a long time before
we started dating. I trusted him. Just like I trust Jackson. There is a part of me that doesn’t trust men—father,
friend or otherwise—and it’s almost like I’m already prepared to be hurt. Like it’s a matter of time before a guy
friend hurts me.
God, I praise you for helping me sort through my feelings
with Dan, and letting me get to this point.
I pray that you continue to work on my heart with Evan, and let me
forgive him and myself for everything that happened. And with the men in my life, please continue
to grow my heart for them and to build up trust in them. And lastly, please continue to protect me
from men who aren’t of You, who don’t love You, and therefore cannot love
me. You’ve been faithful so far, and I
believe it’s only up for here on out.
