You can’t put God in a box.
A bad health report is what finally opened my eyes.
For years, my happiness depended on men. And
it’s not until now that I can say with complete clarity that this showed me
that my marital status meant more to me than my status with God. And I
use “status” here to denote a relationship, not an earned entitlement.
There are many things that open a heart to Christ—far too
many to list. But a gaze from a doctor who looks on in mercy will set a
term on life quicker than finding a gray hair. Feelings of immortality
fade and mortality sets in. I believe when this happens, along with
developing a relationship with Christ, priorities change. Suddenly people,
experiences, and opportunities that at one time did not press upon my heart
become priority.
The importance of a day is realized. Not in a
fearful way, but in a way that I want to taste, smell, and exist on this earth
in a way that both enjoys His gifts and glorifies them while shining light on
His children. I want to sense God on a daily basis. I want to feel
Him in the breeze, admire the rippling of birds in trees, wander down the
streets men made, but He planned.
I want to be near to Him.
I crave feeling Him, because there is so much peace in His presence to
be had.
And if I should have a hunger for a husband, it won’t
exist until he—and He—awakens it. Of this much I am sure. To come
upon a man who steals my heart in such a way feels as if it’s eons away.
An eternity. I have so much I want to do for Christ, and if a man enters
my life, he will be one who hungers after the same calling—not necessarily the
same style, age, race, gender, or infirmity—but he shall be seeking the will of
God as much as I.
As I’ve been asked throughout the week what’s to happen
at the end of this challenge, I feel nothing in my heart the way of an
answer. I have not pursued anyone, diligently, and no one has pursued me,
and there is no promise that anyone will.
My days of searching for him have come to a crossroads,
and what once was a strangling longing has become a simple desire to be simply
aware of God’s hand in my life and of those He brings into it. I
trust God to deliver in His time. I trust Him, period. And I trust that the man He places in my life
will pursue me just as passionately and fervently as he has pursued our Lord. No man who is truly impassioned sits idle
unless he is called to do so by God.
You can’t put God in a box just in the way you cannot
manipulate a man to love you. The setting of situations, in my opinion,
is empty, and possibly the forcing of a Hand that is not meant to be
moved. He shall come for me when he comes for me, if he comes for me, by
God, and not just until then but
for far much longer I shall cling to the cross that gave me life.
And if I live alone for the remainder of my life, I shall
do so happily for I will be living for Him. And such is to the glory of
God that I spend my life searching out His lost children, sharing His Word, and
shining His love on those who I may come to know as brothers and sisters.
For He has given me life, and to spend
it comparing singleness to Hell and marriage to Heaven would be a waste of the
rest of the flowers in the sparkling fields of His beautiful work.
We are but vapors in the wind, and when my time has come,
I pray to look back upon generations, countries, neighborhoods, and races that
I spent my life pursuing in His name. Close to Him is where my heart lies
satisfied and I refuse to let myself so willingly sacrifice Him on the altar to
anything else, but choose instead to sacrifice my life, because it is His. He saved it.
Father, I pray you give me eyes to see, a spirit to
pursue, and a heart to feel both You and Your children. Guide me, Holy
Spirit, with words from God to be shared with lost hearts. Christ, let me
walk as You did so long ago, self-sacrificing and lovingly. Remove from
me the drive to pursue worldly, wasted desires. Cast out fear, develop
knowledge, and shine opportunities. Please continue to change my heart
and let me be a warrior for You, a warrior of love and compassion, unafraid,
but tender. I am so small and insignificant, but use me. Use
me. Use me, Your humbled daughter.
