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| January 1, 2009. |
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| July 2, 2009. |
These were the two drunkest nights of my life.
I can’t remember what I did. I had no idea who I was.
And that is exactly how I feel tonight.
I am so lost. And
my emotions are out of control—running haywire.
God, what are you trying to teach me? You’re Word says not to trust my heart,
because my heart is misleading—but if I’m not to trust it, why is it so
powerful? Why do I still love
people who have left me? Why do I still like people who have pushed me away? Why do I still feel so sad and so hurt, and
so...ridiculous.
Today was filled with difficulties and I just feel so
lost sometimes.
Am I following Your will?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing right?
I feel so lost and stupid.
December 18th is D-Day.
And I still can’t completely let him go.
Tomorrow will make it one month since that happened. And I still can’t completely let him go.
The 25th came and went like nothing happened. And I still can’t completely let him go.
Please help me get through this, God. Heal me from these past mistakes. Let me pass this test of Yours. I’m tired of retaking it. I’m tired of hurting, of being confused, of
being angry, of not trusting…take it from me.
Please fill my life with friends who trust and love and want to be there
with me. Please fill my life with the right friends. And please keep the men that will hurt me OUT
OF MY LIFE. I don’t know if I can handle
anymore heartbreak. Don’t let me give
another guy dominion over my life like this!
Hurt owns me! It’s obvious from
my actions tonight, and I am so sorry to her for being completely awkward and possibly compromising the friendship we could have had, had I not let my jealousy,
insecurity, or hurt get to me—uuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
I am a prisoner to my past pains, and I just want to be free. I don’t want to be bound anymore.
All I want to do is curl up and push people away.
