“God wants you
to be married. He has a husband for you.
But He loves that
man as much as He loves you.
Right now your heart is in too many pieces. You thought you were the victim—you were the
victimizer, imprisoning each man for the sins of the last.”
I find myself condemning each man who comes into my
life. Present tense. Not a man who
has come or has been, but the men who are coming into my life at this
moment. Before we even become friends, I
write them off as heartbreakers, liars, abusers, nominal Christians, cheaters—I
see each man as a predator! I see the
hurt before I even see them.
Last night while I was having coffee with a friend, she
mentioned the term ‘feral cat.’ I think it identifies me pretty well.
They originate from former
domestic cats who were lost or abandoned and then learned to live outdoors or
in environments involving little human contact, such as warehouses, factories or abandoned buildings.
In most cases, feral cats are not completely wild because they still depend on
people for their food source, whether it's a caretaker who comes by once or
twice a day, a dumpster outside a restaurant, garbage cans, or the like.
When I was born, I trusted
men. In that very moment we’re born, we
know no different. It is as we live in
the world we learn what it is to be hurt.
At some point, a man hurt me.
Then another man. Then another,
and still more. I was worn from the wear, because of the fact that
my heart had been abandoned.
And so, choosing to resign to a
lifestyle where hurt became normal and natural, I let myself be taken care of
by caretakers who didn’t care, and gorged myself on garbage. I learned to live in my environment, and when
I thought I was being fed, I was being misled—depending on men, expecting a
superficial host to fill supernatural needs.
Where I once trusted men, that trust was replaced by the trust that they
would inevitably hurt me. And so, like a
feral cat I pull back, coming close enough to be seen, but never to be held or
experienced the way God meant for a man to experience me.
What is it to be really held
like that?
I don’t mean cuddling. But I mean loved with a Godly love with a
heart that belongs to God.
I will never know if I don’t
open myself up. If I have already predetermined
that love doesn’t exist and I’m already expecting damage, then that’s exactly
what I’ll receive, because it’s the only option I’ve given myself. And it’s
simply not true.
God is the ultimate
Caretaker. All these websites on feral
cats tell me that it can take months—or years—to draw a feral in. He is taking the time right now to
domesticate me, to show me I can trust Him, that I can trust others. If God is love, and we are made in His image,
I need not fear, because there are men out there struggling to follow His will
just as much as I am—but I can’t meet them or even be friends with them if I
run away before they can even put the food dish down.
Saw this on friend’s Facebook
tonight:
I need Godly male friendships in my life now more than ever before. For the last few months I've been praying to God to bring men into my life that shine His light. There are a few men currently that I feel like He has purposely given me. To respect, to honor, to love, and to be loved by these men in a Godly manner. He's entrusting me with these friendships, and if I am called to outdo them in honor and show them brotherly love, then I need to trust God, and do it. God, I am trusting You.
God, I know I need to come to
You to be fed, because You are the ultimate source. I pray that you rip away these walls I
developed against Your sons, because Your Son gave His life for us. If we’re made in Your image, one day a man
will come who will sacrifice for me just as Your Son did. There is imperfection and pain in this world,
but there is also Your perfect love. Let
me love my brothers and let me feel safe with them. Let me learn to really love men again in the right way, Your way. Not mine.
Neither let me depend on them for food nor depend on them to hurt
me. You have not passed judgment on Your
daughter and as such keep me from passing judgment on those You have placed in my
life. For purpose, for peace of mind,
for protection, for healing, for rebuilding, let me see You in each person who
walks into my life. Now don’t let me be
blind, but let me be healed.
