Day 3

Spent.

That's how I feel today.

Any addiction is difficult to break, right?

Who am I when I'm not who I was?  How do I find out who I am in Christ?  What do I change?  What stays the same?  Who am I?  I feel so lost sometimes, God.

 I started reading Pastor Bryan Loritts’ book, A Cross-Shaped Gospel.

He writes:

Identity and direction lie at the core of humanity's soul.  Fail to find the answers to these core questions, and life will be devoid of any possible meaning or satisfaction.  Humanity's problem is not that men and women aren't looking for the answers to these questions; it's that most of them will spend their lives filling the blank spaces of their souls with the wrong answers...The Gospel of Jesus Christ answers all of the questions and longings of our soul.  Who am I? I am a child of God in relationship with the creator of the universe (John 1:12) because of the gospel.  Where am I going?  My direction and aim in life is found in the gospel.

For half of my life I have filled the blank with wrong answers.  My life revolved another person.  Everything I was, was dependent on that person.  And now I feel as if I have no identity.  Who am I alone?  Who am I with God?

I am so overwhelmed and scared, and just want so desperately to jump back into a relationship just to have an answer.  My terrified heart says any answer is easier than these unanswered questions!  But the Holy Spirit reminds me, "It may be easier, but it's not better, Jamie."

Last Sunday, we went over some of Revelation.  God placed His words on my heart through Revelation 2:2-4:

I know your deeds,

  I know your heart, Jamie

your hard work and your perseverance.

  You've been faithful to Me

I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people,

  I know you know what's right

that you have tested those who claim to be apostles

  All of your old friends, your former boyfriends

but are not, and have found them false.

  You now know what it looks like to do good works, but not love Me

You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name,

  You left them to follow me

and have not grown weary.

  You've stayed faithful

Yet I hold this against you:

  But, now, here's the thing

You have forsaken the love you had at first.

  I need you to love Me like I am your First Love.  Because I am your First Love.  The greatest love.  Leave earthly love and come back and learn Me.

God, give me the will to persevere when I feel like giving up.  Give me the strength to look for my identity in You.  Let me enjoy these new years with You.  Let me grow.  Let people invest in me.  Let me invest in people and feel what true friendship is.  Give me a persevering heart.