Day 152

Investments, we all make them.  This OYC is mine.  Tomorrow marks five months, and it’s kind of exciting to think about.

With all that has changed within five months, I thought about what the future may hold—how different I will be.  Will I really be different?  Will I be disciplined?

One of the reasons I’m terrified of dating again is the idle waiting.

I scanned memories of all my former relationships.  Yup, I either asked the boy out or manipulated the circumstances to make it happen.  Because I couldn’t wait.  This terrifies me.  If I change, if I don’t have control, if I give it to God, will it even happen?  Will I be pursued?  I’ve made my relationships over the last twelve years.  If I don’t make them, can I trust someone else will?

I have several beautiful, intelligent, funny, charming, hardworking women friends in my life.

And they’re single.  And it blows my mind.

I think of these women and, selfishly, I wonder if these women—the crème de la crop—aren’t betrothed yet, then what hope do I have?

I think it stands that men who don’t pursue women in the beginning are not as compelled to do things throughout the duration of the relationship for them, because they never had to try in the first place.

Every woman wants to be wanted.  I want to be wanted.  And the good thing about this challenge this training is that I am learning as desperately as I may want someone, desperation is not going to entice a man nor will it keep him.

I think God designed courtship in a very specific way.  I’m a believer that if a man doesn’t seek you in the beginning, he will not seek you throughout, and you’ll be miserable in the end.  Your days will be spent chasing after a boy you spent time in the beginning trying to convince to like you.

The women friends that I mentioned earlier have been a bright light from Christ.  I know their hearts, their desires, their hopes, and dreams.  Though they want a husband, they are steadfast in waiting for a man to pursue them.  I really admire this, and it really has set an example for me.  Women can be strong enough not to wilt in their values and expectations.

I brought my thoughts to God tonight, and He shared Jeremiah 29:13 with me.

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

This is how I will know him, He says.  Not just Him, but him.

If I am meant to have a husband, he will seek me and find me when he seeks me with all of his heart.  I’ve learned by now what a lukewarm man will do—really, everything he won’t do.

And I truly believe that if and when God decides to bring someone special into my life, he will be determined to be a part of my life.  He will be determined to know me.  Because I’m an investment.

And by no means am I saying take, take, take and give nothing in return.  No, not at all.  But we shouldn’t give our hearts to men who aren’t interested in investing in us.

I want to know the man who is interested in me is an avid investor and not just a stockholder in the short selling game.

Because my Broker is telling me to sell high and never be bought low.