Showing posts with label different. Show all posts
Showing posts with label different. Show all posts

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Day 322


My friend, who is studying for her degree in social work, and I went around west Memphis seeking out MATA buses, me not knowing just how much I would receive from this afternoon trip.

For the entirety of my life I’ve been blessed with working vehicles.  My parents always had a car—whether it was the old Bronco, the T-bird, or a regular truck—and when I began driving they always had the means and desire to provide me with one.  The only time I ever rode a bus was with SUSD and that was an experience I loathed, so I didn’t know what to expect from the public transportation system here.

When she and I first stopped, our dreams of riding a bus were unfulfilled.  Whether we were victims to a late bus or an incorrect schedule, we’ll never know.  MATA, as efficient as it desires and claims to be, is far from it.  Confusing routes are made even more illegible by conflicting or lacking information.

We walked around the neighborhood of Highland and Summer, where we met John, the owner of a quaint thrift store.  His mom had owned the place, a then-lavish furniture dealer, but “when 9/11 happened, and the economy shifted, I knew we needed to change or we wouldn’t make it,” he said.  And so it became home to old, but beautiful jewelry, bathroom sinks, aged furniture, classic and not so classic records, and a Cadillac bumper.  So much filled the store, I can’t even continue to list its keepings.  So much character in such a small space.  He seemed to know the story of every knick-knack that had come to him, and after a few stories we bid John adieu.  Only after, of course, I purchased an old ceramic piggy bank.  It's the banker in me.

We made our way to Poplar Avenue by car and sought out its alleged bus routes.  Weekend schedules may or may not be identical to the weekly routes, we came to (not really) find.  Finally a bus appeared, and we loaded, paying $3.50 for an all-day pass, and you must have exact change!  Though the bus was full, its passengers were uncommonly quiet.  Among these passengers was a man with groceries, a woman who had picked up her prescription, and even a woman in a motorized wheelchair—how she boarded, I have no inkling!

We passed East High and Central Library, finally ending our route at the intersection of Cleveland and Poplar, where there were four different bus stops, one at each corner.  We discovered you can text MATA (at atis@matatransit.com) with a ##bus stop number## and it will text you the next departure time for your station—that was pretty cool, actually.  So we waited, about 20 minutes, plus a few more, because the bus was late.  (How do people make it to work on time?!)

The people around me were nicely dressed.  Forgive me, for my expectation for bus riders was low.  Poor, disheveled, and lacking were words I thought applied to my stereotype of those riding the mass transit line.  Fully embarrassed now am I for making such an assumption, seeing nicely dressed women and average families board the bus.

We returned to the Poplar Plaza Shopping Center with ease, walking a small distance as we left the bus a little soon, anticipating we’d miss the next stop if we didn’t.  We ate at McAlister’s where we met a lady with Anemia and having a bout of misfortune with a swollen knee and no medical insurance.  Her spirit remained bright, thankful for receiving the first day of fall and her state of perpetual gratefulness made me thankful for “such a beautiful day.”

We shopped at Spin Street, admiring the many oddities, iconic bobbles, and the hipster employees.  Our last stop was a franchised clothing store, where, though minor, reverse-racism was experienced—all I could think of was Why I Did GetMarried? when one of the main characters is told to by the store owner, “We don’t keep cash in the store.”  It was thoroughly uncomfortable, and, yes, I hated the feeling of predetermined suspicion, but it made me appreciate what black and African-American women must feel like every day in a white man’s world—and this was only one day, a 30 minute spread of time!  I can’t imagine the incomparable strength that comes from a lifetime of racism, especially in the south.

Our day was over after that, and even though it was only an afternoon I am so thankful for the experiences.  I’m thankful to God for what He’s given me and prayerful for the lives of others He allowed me to see.

People are not so different, but we are.  The boggling contradiction from God is that He made us in His image, brothers and sisters, but that we are so completely different in walk and experience.  I feel like I learned so much about His character and compassion for us.  In His love and wisdom He made us so very different, and how much we see Him in others is directly correlated in how open our hearts are to receiving His children, eager to see Him in any one person.


John.  The anemic woman.  The young lady with the Willie tattoo down her arm.  The aged man sitting on the bus.  The Def Leopard shirt guy.  The employee with the Hello Kitty glasses.

Our ugly sin nature may all be the same, but His beauty in us sets us apart from one another.  Indulge in it.  Challenge yourself to see it in others for you are not God’s most beautiful work alone.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day 278

I was young then.  I was different; my dreams were different.
Somewhere deep down inside of me there is a pit—no, a shell.

A shell so thin that the landmine inside is close to an overwhelming explosion.

Maybe it’s already happened.  I can't tell.

This is what reading The Hunger Games has done to me.  Ridiculous, I know, as I read my own words.  But God uses the smallest of things to ignite a wildfire.

The words of a fictional girl in the middle of a revolution detonated something.

Something strong, something unnerving, and something I didn't understand maybe until now.

Nine months of this challenge is complete.  Nine months for the first time in fourteen years I've been without a significant other.  And though the challenge is coming to end, I feel both hopelessly and recklessly like this is only the beginning of something else.  Another chapter in a book that I never necessarily wanted a part in.

But now there are two sides of me.  There is Jamie, the girl unsuccessfully holding on to the American dream that she never really quite wanted, and the girl who desperately wants to sacrifice everything to follow God.

Revolutions of the heart.

I fear to say that this is what this is.  A reconcilement of sorts, where I need to listen to God very carefully.

There is a reason I'm unsatisfied with the American dream, I think.
There's a reason for no college degree.
No career.
No family.
No husband.

You’re a Reason, not a Season, Jamie.

A reason I've been too afraid to admit to myself, until now.  Maybe I'm not meant for the American dream.  The white fence, the happy family, the stay at home mother with two children, the marriage to a man who loves me deeply.

It scares me to admit that the greater plan God may have for me includes nothing of that.  And that all of that, if I chose that path, would mean turning my back on God's ultimate dream for me.

But what is the ultimate dream, God?  The ultimate path You've chosen for my life?

There is an unanswered gnawing at my soul, but I don't know what to feast upon to ease it.  To subdue it, to satisfy it.  I feel as if I'm supposed to be somewhere, but where?  I feel a calling from the states, seeing as how it has never suited me much anyway, but where from here?  And doing what?

The unease in my soul is realizing that the ideals I grew up with—I have an almost too permanent feeling—are dreams and desires not meant to come to fruition.

And as I sit here tonight, another night alone in my apartment, this realization sits even heavier.

In the corners of my mind, I don't see myself being married.  I can't see a man who can partner with me—and not because there aren't great guys, but because it's not meant to be.  I don't see a man sacrificing his life for mine, his health for mine, his dream for mine.  I don't see a man who shares mine at all.  And I don't want that—I wouldn't marry anyone who does not share ideals with me, no, because our lives would be constant turmoil.  No, I want to follow God.

I admit to this now, because in the months to come I feel as if this gnawing is the only thing I will be holding onto.  As more couples form, as the loneliness grows, as I watch my friends marry, bear children, and be happy, what I expect for my life hits me more as a promise than a realization.

Maybe this challenge was God's way of easing me into this.  Maybe the next three months, the last quarter of the challenge, are not a challenge at all now, but an opportunity to meditate on these feelings and focus wholeheartedly on a different path.


God, you know me.  You know Your plans for me.  I can't say whether or not I'm going to be married.  Only You know that.  But what You've placed on my heart right now is both the greatest burden and excitement and fear and intrigue that I've ever felt.  Where the wheels on this train will take me, I have no clue.  You say follow You.  And to an unknown destination where everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I could predict or plan, that doesn't exist anymore.  Light in me a fire not doused by fear, but grown by it.  A soul set ablaze to follow You no matter what that means.  Change is so utterly exhausting.  I thought that my biggest change would come December of 2010.  And if that were the case, I'd be no better off than I was in that moment.  But You keep me, You shape me, You're reforming me.  Please just give me the heart, patience, and fortitude to grow with You, even if I don't know what that means or what it looks like.  I'm reminded of Follow You Into the Dark, with the lyrics vowing self-sacrifice, but there is no dark where there is light, and of all this, that is the only thing of which I am sure.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Day 212


I noticed him as soon as I walked in.

He was on the other side of the room, behind the counter, maybe looking at inventory.

I paid him little mind as I scoured the shelves.  I was casual and seemingly disinterested as I tried on hats.  His coworker walked up beside me and gently started placing on my head different hats he liked.

At some point, I began to walk around the store again, and there he was, suddenly beside me.

Kevin.

Kevin was charming, to say the least.  We bonded right away, him having been born in San Francisco.  He placed a few different pieces on my head, his hands gingerly shifting the beautiful fabric into place.  His eyes remained locked on mine, sending my heart into a flutter.

As we talked it became obvious he wasn’t saved, though this changed nothing about the butterflies, unwilling to depart from their place in my stomach.  His hand met the small of my back as he led me to the mirror, which only incited the stirring further.

This afternoon made me think about a few things:

·         Flirting doesn’t change.  Even if you don’t date for a year.  No worries there.

·         Those moments I feel butterflies, I hold onto them.  I think of my future husband.  If a stranger can incite a mere fluttering of the heart, how much more will they spring forth when he comes along?  There is so much I’m saving for him.  So much for which my heart is excited.  Flirting is always a reminder to be steadfast in my waiting and longing for that which I long and wait is going to be a gift directly from Our Father.

·         It’s okay to long for something in a healthy way.  It keeps the heart alight and dependent on Christ.

·         None of the men who have flirted with me have asked me for my number or more time together.  This has been a blessing.  God is giving me practice right now.  I honored Him in my words and actions that afternoon, something I’m not known to do when it comes to dating or pre-dating.  It is important to note that I did not pursue.  I also did not prolong the conversation.  Two things at which I am terrible when it comes to dating.  I tend to initiate and try to keep the conversation flowing in hopes that I may urge him to ask me out.  No, instead I let him do it.  And that’s how it’s going to be from now on.  I refuse to ever pursue a man again.  I will respond, but never chase.  He is going to be the leader.  The man who is strong enough and determine enough to approach me, that’s who will have me.  Because I truly have found that if he doesn’t do it in the beginning, he’s not going to do, period.

·         When it comes to dating, it’s almost like buying a car.  You have to be willing to walk away.  If a man doesn’t pursue you and you’re handing him all the right signals, he doesn’t want to date you.  (And it may have nothing to do with you, keep that in mind. We’re all going through our own things.)  And if you ask him out, you’re doing two things: you’re pushing something that’s not meant to be, and you’re chasing him.  And men tend to not appreciate the gifts handed to them—actually, none of us do.  They like being leaders, being the pursuer, and doing the chasing.  Don’t give in to your wants and ask a man out.  Don’t do it.  A man who wants you will not let you walk away.  Of this I am sure.  And if he lets you walk away, walk away.  Be ready to trust God, even if your heart is tempting you to pursue.

When (and if) I begin dating again, it is going to look very different.  It already looks very different.  I look forward to how I date being different.  Christ as the center.  Christ has my heart.  And it is going to be an intentional man who receives His daughter—a daughter who has determined her ways in the way of waiting and obedience and honor.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!  Psalm 27:14