Day 131

The majestic sunset today.

You are mine. And you fight Me. You curse Me and say who you are isn’t good enough—that My hand failed.  That I failed you.  And why, child?  Because you don’t match up to the world?  To this broken world?  That you’ve achieved nothing because you didn’t graduate college?  Greatness spans beyond a college degree.  And you have done so much!  So much that your Father is proud of!  There are no small achievements, Jamie.  The achievements of your life are not achievements of the world, no.  And I can promise you nothing you do will satisfy the world’s desires for you.  But the world will not satisfy you anymore than you can satisfy it.  You want  Me to make you to be like the others so you can be someone else?  Do you not understand how much I will do through you?  Why would you rather be used by men than the Creator who created these men, who created you, who created the world itself?  I have always loved you, I bore you in love.  Just as you are.  No popularity.  No college degree.  No marriage.  In your life, these are not the things that would matter most.  You shall do for Me more in this life than if I had given you the life of worldly comfort you so desire!  Do you think you would serve Me the same if you had the life you wanted?  Love the life you have.  Love yourself.  Let others love the you, you are.

But, God, people don’t take me seriously as soon as they hear I didn’t graduate college.

Then they’re not of Me.

People pity me when they find out I’m not married.

Right now you’re doing more for Me than you could, married.  My will.  Not theirs.  I knew you were strong enough to handle this world, the life I gave you to live.  You have the strength on which to stand against those who don’t know Me.  I put these people in your life for a purpose.  To be the you I made you to be.

People don’t understand why I moved out here for love.

You moved across the country for love!  How does that not amaze you?  Love is the ultimate and highest goal!  Higher than education and money!  And you shun this as if it is something of which to be ashamed.  Do you know how very few do what you have done?  More than that, people don’t need to understand why you moved.  You understand.  You moved for love of a boy and instead came to the greatest love of all.  How could anyone dismiss that?

It’s hard for people to relate to me.

No, it’s hard for you to believe people can relate to you.  Have I not shown you that you’re not alone?  Of all the ones with whom you share your story, do you not remember how many have experienced the like?  I do this to show you you’re not alone in My will for your life.  You are loved as you are, if they love Me.  If not, that’s when you must turn and focus your heart on your Father who loves you, adores you, and cherishes you and all that I made you to be.

These next months are going to be difficult.  But they will also reveal what I’ve created for you.  You are going to change, shift, grow, and it’s going to hurt, but at the end you’ll find that this is the very best life I had for you.  I’ll be with you.  Lose your life to find it.  Forget the life you wanted to remember why you died.  Not to enjoy the world, but to change it.  You don’t create paths by walking in the footsteps of others.

I don’t believe I can.

Then believe I can.  No faith in yourself?  Good.  Have faith in  Me.  Do you not see the beauty in My work?  You are smart, but never graduated college.  You are beautiful, but unmarried.  You moved, but not for a career.  You are nothing by the world’s standards…but neither am I.  Thwart the status quo.  Do not be ashamed.  I confound the wise with My ways, and I am using You.  Let Me use you.  Know that every time you open your mouth, I’m behind every story and every answer you give.  Find peace in that…that I was with you every step of the way, leading you in the right direction.

Day 124

When a heart is cold as ice you can't melt it with advice 

No one wants to listen to a list of things they shouldn't do 

So I build a city on a hill and I light a candle on the sill 

Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door 

Oh God I just want to love on everyone 

All I have is yours to give so let the people come 

Learning to Be Light, Newworldson

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Do nothing.

Say nothing.

Be patient.

Be quiet.

Be a listener.

Hold your tongue.

Doing nothing has never seemed to accomplish anything.  So when I went to California there was an emptiness that I felt when God told me to do nothing.

Do nothing?  How can I sit back idly and do nothing?

My family never spoke of my newfound religion.  They never asked about God.  I never shared about the love of Christ.  My family didn’t even want to go to church with me.

And so here I am, 2,000 miles away from them, feeling lost and unaccomplished.  Nobody was closer to Christ when I left.  How did I do anything?

Frustrating.

Tonight I listened as a group discussed the book of Philemon.

God spoke to me in so many ways,  but it was when they discussed being useful versus being useless that my heart perked.  I definitely felt useless during my time in California.  All God was telling me to do was be quiet!

Worthless.  Completely and utterly worthless.  How am I supposed to save people if I can’t save the ones I love the most?

Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me (Phil 1:11).

And it hit me.  They are no more closer to God than a year ago when I visited for the first time when I first tried, my way.  I gave my brother back my grandfather’s cross.  I handed him his very own Bible.  I took him to church with me.  He had a curiosity.  He was interested.  And all that culminated to what?

Nothing.

That brought some comfort knowing that nothing I did changed anything in my family for better or worse.  Where they stood a year ago, they stand today.

And, still, what I think is useless is only seen as useless because there are no perceptible changes.

But, Jamie…  I hear God say.

If there is no change…then why did your  family say nothing, do nothing, ask nothing of you while you were in California…but when you came back to Memphis, they asked you, “How was church on Sunday?”

Two thousand miles away, and it makes no different.  My will is My will.  Their salvation has nothing to do with you or your successes or downfalls.  Their eternity is in My hands.  All You can do is follow Me.  And you did.

You were obedient.  I know you wanted to scream from the rooftops about My love.  I know you wanted to share in every way to every person.

But I also know that you’re kind.  Thoughtful.  Insightful.  And that sometimes being forthright isn’t the most loving way to bring someone to Me.  Sometimes it takes time.  You took 26 years to cultivate and even yet you are still young.  Confident in your obedience, I trust you to be patient with them.  Remember to listen.  Let them talk.  You don’t have to defend me.  I am God.  I don’t need defending.

And, no, you’re not crazy.

All things are useful to Me.  You are useful even in the moments you deem useless.  You can’t see all that I know, but you must trust Me.  Think long term.  Not short term.

And, no, no, no, no, no...you’re not useless.
Sometimes doing nothing and everything are one and the same thing.

Day 115

For the last week and a half I've lived in my parents' living room on an air mattress.  I packed up most of my suitcase tonight.  I spent the day dreading the night, and the night dreading tomorrow morning.  I don't want to leave.  My spirit is so low.  My heart hurts so much.  I look into the eyes of my parents, and almost start to cry.  Folding laundry, and sitting cross-legged on the floor in quietness, on my last night here, my thoughts went from sad to aggressive to meloncholy.  And so I started a conversation with God.

God, can I move home now?

No.

Why?  Please...I really miss my family.

No.

I don't think you understand.  Dad is getting old, Mom misses me, Steven needs me, I miss my friends...I actually want to be here.  Can I move home?  Please?

No.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.  Why not?!

Because you're not ready.

Not ready for what, God?  You're not making any sense.  I've been a believer now for two years and fully gave my life to you a year ago, and now I'm spending a year truly dedicating myself to You.  How am I not ready?

Because if you moved home, you would lose Me.  You're not strong enough yet.

Then why did you let me come at all?  If You knew I wasn't strong enough, if You knew I wouldn't be moving back...why let me come all the way out here, fall in love with my family, only to send me back to Memphis?

Because you needed to have another perspective, another reason to be motivated to live within my love.  It's not enough in the plan I've designed for you to just love strangers.  You did that, you do that well.  But you had no heart for your family.  There was love, but you had nothing to believe in.  Now this love of yours is fueled by something personal.  New relationships.  You love your father, your mother, your brother like you haven't before.  A renewed sense of love for them has captivated your heart.  Is it not new?

Yes, okay, I see what you're saying...

But you're still worried about time.  Worried about being here to save your family.  You can't dwell upon that for too long.  Be motivated.  Keep them in your heart.  Come back to Memphis.  Live for Me.  Learn more.  Delve deeper.  And then let me send you home with a knowledge that won't leave you, with a love that won't be diminished.

...

You want to be with your family, and I understand that.  I love that.  But...you're also in a place that doesn't feed you spiritually.  You're stronger than you were, but not strong enough to be at this place yet.  I need you to come back, to jump in, to be all that I have set for you to be in Memphis.  You need to grow more before...before I bring you back here.  You need to be able to give your testimony without fear.  And though you should not argue My Word with nonbelievers, I need you to know it, to have it in your heart for when those conversations do come.  So you can testify and tell in love and absolute truth.  You can't doubt yourself, or My message, or that I am God...  You're not there yet.

...

I know you're sad, and you're broken-hearted.  It's not easy to leave.  But you will return.  This is for you.  For your family, my love.  My tender-hearted soul.  And though I feel the burning inside your heart for your family, let it be used to inspire you...to keep you near to them and to Me.  The faster you find me, the faster you come back to them.  Be hopeful.  Be loving.  Be kind.  And be broken-hearted...for when you're broken-hearted that means a piece of you stays behind, reminding you why you're pushing forward.  I love you.