Two years earlier, my brother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, and it was the day before my public speaking final in college
that he had his first violent episode.
Him missing a day’s worth of medication would leave me with a bruised
face, a split lip, and a humiliating final exam.
My presentation lasted less than 15 minutes, but my anguish and confusion would take years to heal.
The relationship between the two of us has always been
strained, beginning when we were toddlers.
Our grandparents were taken from us by way of Cancer and
alcoholism. Our parents fought
endlessly. We were constantly bullied at
school. Neither of us had an easy
childhood, but his was far worse.
He had an abusive sister whose battered spirit was
self-medicated by inflicting deeper wounds on a child three years her
junior. Tormenting him, bullying him,
and fighting with him and against him.
That’s not what big sisters are supposed to do.
Saturday was his 24th birthday. And as our mom handed him the phone, I felt
so blessed to hear the joy in his voice when he knew who was on the other end.
It is nothing short of a blessing that he loves me. I look at the trinkets he has sent for
birthdays and reread the cards written for holidays, and feel a deep sadness
that pools in the pit of my heart. I can’t
imagine how I deserve any of his love.
The last five years I’ve pushed him away, and I’m just
now realizing that it’s not because of what he did, but because of what I
did to him. The guilt of how I treated
him keeps me from him. Selfishness keeps
me from him.
Viewed as a sweet Christian girl now, my brother is a
piece of my past that reflects a very evil heart. I tore apart the one who needed me the
most. How can I be good? How can people love me when I’ve done such
evil things to someone who I was supposed to love?
My pride keeps me from him, because I’m reminded of who I
was. Unforgiveness keeps me from him,
because I can’t forgive myself for the past.
And yet, when I return to California I know that he’ll be
the first one to rush to the escalator to hug me. I know he’s the first to defend me. I know he’s the first who will love me for
everything I am.
My brother has a past filled with monumental hurt, and
yet he still loves. He has forgiven me
for my transgressions, so why am I still tethered to them?
God died for our sins.
He died for what’s been done to me.
And He died for what I did to my brother. And if I’ve been forgiven, then, to honor
God, to honor my brother, my flesh, my blood, I must live like I’ve been
forgiven.
This time I have an opportunity to love him like I’ve
never before been able. Though the past
cannot be remade, it can be redeemed.
God, please let past pain be used as encouragement for a
new relationship. Let me show my brother
true love. Let me be a sister of love,
kindness, humility, patience, and complete self-sacrifice. Help me fight the urge to run and let me show him Your love.
ACTION PLAN BRO: Talk to him about our past, fully understand his
perspective. Take him for a drive,
because he used to love driving on the interstate. Stop at Lifeway, because he loves books, and
see if anything is sparked within him while we’re there. Tell him how much I love him, and how God has changed my life with him being in it.
