I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone.
I’m afraid of dying.
Not just dying, old age, asleep in my bed—but dying at a
young age, The-Band-Perry-kind-of-death.
Honestly, I think that’s the real reason I cried on New
Year’s Eve. I feel like I may not make
it past 27. And I’m not saying this for
any other reason than I have to get it off my chest. I may never mention it again. If you approach me with this, I may not talk
about it. But right now, for this
moment, I am sharing that my deepest fear is that I’m not only meant to die
young, but die soon.
I remember when I was a kid, my best friend and I sat
together. And we talked about how we
thought we were going to die. When I
thought of such a thing, I saw myself young, not going quietly into the night,
but in a very painful way.
Maybe it’s in God’s great mercy that I never
married. What if I’m not meant to live
until I’m old and gray? What if I
actually married someone and we had children and it’s in my plan for me to pass
away young? If I never marry, if I never
have children, this is one less family that must experience a loss of a loved
one. Maybe my passing will bring my
family to Christ. Maybe I’m completely
wrong, and I’ll die old, Notebook-style, being loved more than I could have
ever imagined.
What if I have Cancer?
So many people die from all different cancers. Just looking at a list of celebrities that
passed away in 2011, 98% of the deaths were from cancers. What if I’m murdered? There are so many murders in Memphis. What if I get into a car accident? People pass away all the time and never see
it coming.
Tonight I re-listened to one
of my favorite sermons. It was
given by Matt Chandler, a pastor at The Village Church in Texas. He is amazing. He is hilarious. He was diagnosed
with cancer. If you want any insight
into my thoughts, listen to it, Christian or not. It
changed the way I think about death.
I don’t know if what I’m feeling bears anything
reality. I don’t know if what I’m
feeling is a jumpstart to turn my life around and live completely for God. I said in my last post a quote that has
embedded itself in my heart: When you realize you’re
dying, you want to make sure there was a reason you lived.
I am on a journey to turn my life around completely.
Forgive my family for the hurt and dysfunction
Love myself through the eyes of God
Let God use me to change lives
Once you listen to the sermon, read my other list. If you don’t listen, you won’t understand.
There you have it. My greatest fear.
I cried out all this fear on NYE. I cried until I felt peace. I cried until I felt God telling me to trust Him, death or not. And was reminded of this...
There you have it. My greatest fear.
I cried out all this fear on NYE. I cried until I felt peace. I cried until I felt God telling me to trust Him, death or not. And was reminded of this...
“But death, death for the believer is about fulfillment. It's like, in that moment, I've got all that
Christ had for me, like all that He
wanted me to know, all that He wanted me to experience, all that He wanted me
to feel and know and do, that I am full, that I've got all that He wanted me to
drink. And so, He pulls me out.”—Matt Chandler
