I never thought I would say this, but I don't want to leave.
Please slow down time. Please stop time. Please let me stay in this moment.
Please, please, please, please let me stay.
I loved having breakfast with my dad. He opened the door for me. We sat in a booth, eating hashbrowns and eggs, talking about life. There were awkward moments at first where I didn't know what to say. I still feel like I'm five years-old when I'm around him, and the toughest part was talking to him as an adult. But when I did, it was an amazing feeling to sit across from him and share in his wisdom.
He talked of grandpa, his past with mom, my brother's life, my life...we talked about his feelings. His heartattack, his decisions, his love for his family, his mom and dad, and Grandpa Jack. I talked about the possibility of me not having children, not being married, and about it being okay to just give him "grand-puppies." I asked of his sacrifices as a father and a husband. We paid, and donated to the UC Davis Children's Hospital. "Jim & Jamie." And brought home a truffula tree seed for Mom. And we drove out to his cannery. Or at least what used to be his cannery. We talked of Grampa Jim. His trailer. Why he decided not to live with Mom and Dad. How much he loved me. His choices for his life...and how we all make choices.
And when we came home it was time for Mom. I took the keys, and ushered her into the car without revealing where we were headed. When we pulled up to Village Nails, she knew. She knew and she was tickled...or maybe she was terrified. I held her hand and we walked into the salon where she didn't kick anyone in the face. I kept looking at her from my seat...just so happy to see her happy. From there we drove to Sakura and bought seeweed, and beancakes, and crackers, and Japanese juice drinks. And then after that we took her to Peet's, because I thought she'd enjoy raspberry flavored coffee. And then we shopped a little. That's something we never did when I grew up. I was too much of a brat. And I made her try on things she would never try on. And I tried on things. And we shopped. And we enjoyed each other's company.
And on the way home she said, "I will remember this day forever."
Then as a family we ate at Pho Saigon Bay, which ironically Dad wanted to try weeks ago, but Mom said no. They tasted new food. And after eating heartily and leaving happily, we walked over to Tutti Frutti where Dad had sugar-free strawberry and...
...and I don't want to leave.
I don't want to leave.
For the first time I want to stay.
I want to be a part of their lives.
I want to be around.
I don't want to not be here.
I don't want them to die without me having put in every effort humanly possible to love them.
I don't want them to die unsaved.
I don't want another moment to pass where I can't see my mom smile, or hear my dad laugh, or listen to another of Steven's jokes. And my grandma...my grandma who is so sweet and shopped for clothes for me and loves me so much.
How can I leave this?
God, change my life. Change something. Please bring me peace about leaving, because I'm about to fall to pieces. Please....do something with these feelings. Please, please, please...my heart is breaking, and I can't take it.
