Dear God,
When I got home tonight, my hair smelled like the sun and
my clothes like fire. I felt You all
throughout today. Watching Your clouds
float above me and the river racing itself toward the Memphis bridge made me appreciate Your beauty and strength. I thought of You as I enjoyed the quiet
night, me lazily tripping over thoughts while watching the bonfire light. I don't even know where to begin with this
entry, feeling so much, sorting through so much, so I’m just going to talk.
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Work
is going to be interesting for these next couple months, to say the least.
I don't know how I feel about everything going on. Change is always
scary, but I'm hoping and praying for the best. I can say within the last
week it's made me think about what I really want to pursue in life, and even
though I don't know as of right now, I feel like You are going to lead me there
eventually—maybe within another year or so. And that's reassuring,
because I know that there's so much that I need to learn and do before I start
investing in a career, but it's also kind of disheartening, because I'm already
old. But I have to remember Your timing is not people time and You can do
whatever You want.
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I don't know where I'm headed when it comes to friendships. Two months ago I
felt like I had a core group of friends that I could have made it through life
with. Now I feel as if that's dissolved. And I know that there is a
season for everything, but I feel so lost, God. I so desperately want...I
don't know what I want. I want someone who has the time and emotional capacity
to invest in me. I want someone who can go on trips with me, laugh about
stuff, live life with me. I know it's not good to be heavily invested in
one person, because when that season ends, it leaves the heart hurting.
But I so desperately want someone...who...I don't even know. I do
know. I want someone to fill that boyfriend-void in me. Someone to
call and talk to every night. Someone who will go with me anywhere.
Change this in me, God. Let me be happy with the friendships I have
now and let me deeply invest in You. I don't know what to pray for, for
my friends, and You know better than I do. Just guide me through this
process, because I don't even know who to invest in and I feel so lost.
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I’m on Day 140 of this challenge, not even half
way through. For the most part I’m
adjusting. But there are some nights,
God, where I just miss being…with someone.
I miss being loved here on earth.
Someone holding my hand, running his fingers through my hair, someone to be
with. I miss it. Marriages, new relationships and relationships have begun to make me
sad, because I see what I don’t have.
The bitter part of me is setting in, and I hate it. I don’t want to be bitter. I want to be happy for them. It just hurts sometimes. And I don’t know why that is. I don’t know if You’re trying to keep alive
in me the want for a husband, or if it’s The Enemy trying to demolish all of
the work I’ve put into this OYC. I just
pray that You change this sadness into positive energy, and give me heart that can
continue to be joyful without a spouse, but kill these doubts about never having
a husband. I just pray that I can focus
on You.
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I don't feel as if I'm growing right now. I felt like I was with my girls group and
I feel like we're not growing anymore. I'm thankful for the Connection
Class we'll be starting tomorrow, but I still don't know if that's what I need.
God, I need someone to disciple me. I need someone to really pour
into me. I need someone who knows You and Your Word and can lead me right
now. I hated being across from someone that was curious about God and not
giving firm answers. I need to
be able to do that, God. And I can't right now. And I hate feeling
stagnant. How can I help the community, other girls, other people, even
children, if I don't know You as deeply and as fully as possible? I need a
teacher/student relationship. Someone to be my mentor. Please open
doors, God. Please give me that relationship. Please help me,
because I feel like I'm drowning. I've established a relationship with
You, but now I really want to be able to share and teach others about You.
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I'm still getting over my trip to California. I miss my family so
much. I don't know what to pray for, for them either, God. I just
know I want them to know You. I don't know what the future looks like—if
I'll move back to California or if I can convince them to move elsewhere...but
my heart yearns for them. And sometimes I still feel as sad as when I
just left.
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When You revealed to me the other day what I need to focus on, it was like a slap in the face. I don't know why I
never thought about how much it translated into my adult-life, but here I am.
Still suffering from the aftermath of being picked on. It all makes
sense, God. Being bullied
every day all throughout school conditions one's mind. And after doing
research on Friday about bullying, so many things about my behavior and
lifestyle make sense. I don't think I've taken this well, and I don't
really know how to treat it. And I just pray You give me direction with
that, too. I know that the story You chose for my life is for me, and it
has shaped my heart in amazing ways that will glorify Your kingdom, but please
help with the aftermath. Please open up my heart to trusting people, to
liking myself, to having an unbiased view of who I am, for seeing Your beauty
born into me. Let me begin to appreciate myself through You and really
believe that I am worth You dying for me. So long I've felt like nothing,
worse than nothing, and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't
want to believe those lies anymore. And just like You saved me before, save
me now. Heal this hurt, heal this heart, demolish the foundation on which
it was built and recreate a new heart for me. I can't do anything if I think
I'm nothing. But for You, through You, with You, I can be so much
different. I can be useful. I can be smart. I can be wise.
Let me stop living to be neither "good enough" nor
"invisible" and let me live to seen so that You may be glorified
through me. Change me, rework me, break me, and mold me. I want to
live for You and leave all the rest behind.
My head won't stop spinning from all these thoughts, God. I'm giving
them to You. Please help.
Signed,
Your Daughter
