His voice was happy and curious, and I could tell he was excited even over the phone.
"...how you doing? Still 365 days?"
I smiled.
"Yes, dad, still 365."
I was tickled to know how much it made him smile. Of course to Dad, my dating fast is just a time for me to love me. He doesn't understand the relationship I'm trying to build on God. But his excitement brings me joy nonetheless.
And it makes me wonder...if my earthly father finds so much joy in my sacrifice, in my discipline...then, how much more is my Heavenly Father rejoicing above?
Of course I'm sure He'd be rejoicing more if I had more faith in Him through this process...more faith in His will for my life and its goodness.
Today I sat next to my coworker, settled in my self-pity.
"It's a trick," she said. Imitating the enemy, she continued, "'Oh, I can't tempt you with a hottie, but I'm going to test you. All these old perverts. It's a test of how you see yourself through God.'"
And she reminded me of a story in this book.
A story of a woman who idolized the blessing rather than worshipping The One Who Blesses.
Will I still love God if He doesn't give me what I want?
Will I still love Him if a marriage isn't in my future?
Will I believe that I'm beautiful to Him without an earthly husband?
That's a huge struggle for me. Believing I'm worthwhile without relying on a man. And the further I go through this challenge, the deeper I delve, the more I realize this is a wound that isn't close to healing.
This is the rebuilding time. The time is now. Break me down, God. Help me heal. Help me see myself through Your eyes.
