Alone again.
I pulled into an almost-empty parking lot and wondered if
I was in the right place.
You know, God, I’m
really tired of doing things alone. Why am I alone?
I don’t understand, and I’m sick of being by myself.
I parked, fifteen minutes early for the event, and
pretended to be getting together stuff in my car while I waited to see if more
people would show.
If nobody else
shows up, God, I’m leaving. I’m not
going to be one of five people in a six hour event. You can forget it.
You don’t mean that, I heard Him say.
Yes, I do!
Of course I didn’t, but I felt irritated and upset. I really didn’t want to have walk into an
unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and be uncomfortable. Leaving seemed like the better plan.
But, as God would have it, more people pulled in, and as
they walked toward the church, I tried to walk far enough behind them to seem
like I wasn’t following them. But who
was I kidding? I was lost and too shy to
ask for directions, so I was just pretending like I knew where I was headed.
When we got into the building, I looked around. It was a nice church. I followed the people I was pretending not to
follow to the table set up for the event.
Alone, I purchased my study guide, and walked into the
auditorium where I took a seat in the middle.
As more people filtered in, I felt more and more out of
place. I knew no one and even worse,
everyone was boo’ed up. It was like
being on the ark. Pairs of two
everywhere—except for me. Jamie sat
alone.
Why, God?
As everyone talked and mingled, I waited for the event to
begin. When the screen lit up, I was
thankful. I wanted to be lost in God and
forget my ungrateful feelings of loneliness.
About 200 of us were there for the Secret Church
led by David Platt via Simulcast. I
had never heard a sermon by David before, and only know his name by way of his
popular book, Radical. I had no idea
what to expect.
He explained to us that in secret churches across the
world, people meet and want to learn as much as they can in as little time as
they can. They move quickly and study
intensely. To taste their world, and to
make it completely through a 224 book, he said he’d be talking fast. And talking fast, he did. Like an auctioneer on Adderall.
And what unfolded was seven hours of passionate teaching
of His Word. I can’t even begin to
describe the emotions—all the
emotions—I felt throughout the night. For seven hours I was able to hear how much He
loves us, why we suffer, why He suffered, and how much of the world is
desperately in need of the Gospel.
Overwhelmed with information and revelation, every minute
almost sent me into tears. Every
revelation came like a blow to my heart.
Amazing, amazing, amazing that I hadn’t seen God like this before.
As we ended the night, we sang
All is Well With My Soul, and I continued to fight back tears. Voices overpowered the quiet audio and I
could hear every single voice mixed in to a choir praising God and His
sovereignty.
The last leg of this OYC was
to work on my heart. Past the ex-boyfriends, past the parents, and
onto me. And tonight while I sat alone,
I realized that part of knowing myself is knowing the God who made me. Because how can I know where I’m going if I
don’t know my Creator and the depth of His love and the purpose of my life?
Tonight was such a gift. Always complaining, I am so surprised that
God doesn’t just smite me. Tonight was
intense. In retrospect, not going with
anyone gave me such freedom. I got there
early. I got to pick my seat. I got to focus on my time with God instead of
wondering if someone was getting tired or bored. I didn’t have to leave early. It was a very intimate, personal time with
God. Almost like a date. A date where you find out everything about
the other person—except this person isn’t a person, but the Creator who formed
me! I found out things I never knew
before, and it just inspired a deeper, more intimate love for God.
When I first became a
Christian, it was easy to see God as my Abba Father. But lover of my soul? That sounded more than a bit awkward. And I pushed that to the side for a long
time. But tonight, tonight I can
honestly say that I’m in love with God. In love.
Passionately in love for the God who saved me, and saves me daily, and
wants me daily, and fights for me daily, and comforts me daily.
How can I stand to not honor
Him?
Thank You for tonight,
God. I pray that this message is just
repeated in my head and in my heart from this day forward. I thank You for answered prayers, and I pray
that I continue to learn about You. I
pray that one day I can share You and Your love with others and can be used by
You to shine Your light to unbelievers.
This was a monumental step in my walk tonight, and I am so thankful that
You love me and saved me. Thank You for
giving Your life for us all, God.
“And those whom he predestined he
also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he
justified he also glorified. What then
shall we say to these things?” (Romans 8:30-31)
Though Satan
should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest
assurance control,
That Christ has
regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His
own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the
bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in
part but the whole,
Is nailed to the
cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord,
praise the Lord, O my soul!
