I thought I saw him last week.
And like any time I think I see him, I run, frantic to
escape.
Escape what?
An awkward un-apology.
It’s been a year and half and every time I see him, or
see pictures of them, or see people from my old church, I cringe. It’s like the wound is ripped open all over
again. And I hate it.
All I really want is an apology. I want someone to say I’m sorry for what
happened. I want him to say he’s sorry
for how wrong he was. I want someone
else to say she was sorry for how wrong she was. I want the group to say I’m sorry that
happened and that we didn’t support you better in your time of need. I want to know that some part of them
recognizes the deep hurt they’ve caused.
But it’ll never come.
And so I run until another spontaneous picture pops up and I’m forced
back through all that searing pain all over again.
He’ll never apologize.
Because in his mind he did nothing wrong.
And I sit here and I think:
1.
It’s not fair that he was able to move on. He’s not sitting around thinking about me or
what he had or what happened between us and how he wishes it could have been
different—not that we’d be together, but at least that it wouldn’t have gone up
in flames.
2.
I deserve an apology. I deserve an apology for him not treating me
as Christ treated the church. He needs
to apologize for putting his selfish needs above…just treating me like a human
being, with compassion. Yes, I deserve
an apology.
And I thought of these things today, mulled them over
while at my desk at work, wrestled through them at lunch, and examined them
while I sat on my patio.
What it boils down to is pride. I deserve…
I deserve… I deserve…
It’s not enough for me that God pulled me out of a situation,
a place, a relationship that stunted my growth and love for Him. No. In
fact, I’m angry at God for doing it that way.
I want to yell and scream at Him and tell Him, “God, I at least deserve
an apology from the bozo you had me with for 2 years that took a hammer to my
heart! God, I at least deserve my pain
to be recognized! They’re sitting there,
smiling, enjoying life, ignoring what they did, and here I am wrestling with
the same pain two years later! How is that fair? How little do you care about me that You
should give me less than those who love You less and have been less dedicated
than I have?!”
When I say all these things out loud, it hurts. I know it hurts God that I’m being so
selfish. The life I have now is so much
better than what it was. I have
everything. Before I had nothing, and I’m
complaining like the everything I have now is nothing compared to the nothing I
had. I’m sure it hurts His heart.
Why, at this point, does it matter if I’m recognized as
the victim or not? The only thing that
would heal from that is my pride. And it’s
not like that would help me in any way.
On the balcony of my apartment tonight, I rocked in the breeze,
considering all things.
And he said to all, “If anyone
would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and
follow me” (Luke 9:23)
Judas betrayed Jesus.
Peter kept quiet. None of these
hurts kept Jesus from following God.
Jesus didn’t say, “God, this is so unfair! I demand an apology from them before I do my
work for you!”
No, that’s not how it happened. He fulfilled God’s work anyway.
And I can’t look at God and say, “These people deserve
their just-desserts and I’m going to wait for you to fulfill that before I can
fully focus my heart on what You’ve called me to do.”
They hurt me.
Okay. They’re not
apologizing. Okay. They’ve moved on. Yup.
So have you, Jamie!
What is more, I consider
everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus
my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I
may gain Christ (Phillippians 3:8).
In that loss I gained Christ. How is an apology more precious than
that? It isn’t.
Count it all joy, my brothers,
when you meet trials of various kinds, because you know that the testing of
your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you
may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4).
Help me get through this, God. Let me rely on You. A friend told me last night to look at this
like an infection God is clearing out.
And I want this infection gone, God!
I do! Get every last piece of it
out! The sooner it’s gone, the sooner I
can do more, learn more, be more, love more.
And so I’ll count it as joy that I’m dealing with this hurt…taking up my
cross, following Jesus, and perservering.
No apology. No
pride. But perseverance.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under
trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which
God has promised to those who love him James (1:12).
More than that, we rejoice in our
sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces
character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame,
because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who
has been given to us (Romans 5:3-5).
Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his
presence continually (1 Chronicles 16:11)!
Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what
is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2).
And you will be hated by all for my name's
sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved (Mark 13:13).
