I ran upstairs, just making it home from work. Changing clothes, I almost looked like the
surfers for which my native state is so well known. Long tangled hair, an oversized hoody, and
shorts.
The dogs and I ran downstairs, and I just kind of stood
in the rain, waiting on them.
From behind us, I heard the familiar sound of the
security cart. The guards make their
rounds quite often and an older man is usually on shift when I come home. When he passes, he normally greets us with a friendly
wave.
But when I turned today, it was a guy who had to be
younger than me. So I waved, awkwardly. He was already smiling, and said something as
he passed that I couldn’t quite hear.
Sensing my confusion, he shouted.
“You’re beautiful…you’re beautiful…you’re beautiful!”
All the way down the street.
I laughed.
Really?
The dogs and I walked back up the stairs, and I closed
the door behind me. Half of me was
entertained, but the other half of me was frustrated.
I could have a guy
tell me I’m beautiful every day and I still wouldn’t believe it. At this
point, it just hurts. Why does it hurt?
When I was younger, making myself beautiful meant making
myself into something men wanted.
And I wanted to beautiful. Desperately.
And how better to know what a man would want than to watch porn and read
magazines like Maxim?
Scantily clad and sexy, and sexual, these women were what
every man wanted, and I wanted to be just like them. And I was.
I based my worth the men around me.
And now that I’m abstaining from sex and not dating,
where does that leave me? Where do I
find my beauty? What is beauty when it’s
not based on the perception of someone else?
How do I become okay with myself?
How do I find myself beautiful when the only scale I’ve ever known is
void and null?
Because now I hear men call me beautiful and it means
nothing. I’ve always exchanged myself
for compliments. So I think that’s why I
become so agitated. Because I trained
myself to believe when someone calls me beautiful, it’s because they expect an
exchange.
So, God, what is it?
Now that there’s no exchange, there’s just You. And how can I feel beautiful in You? I don’t want to hurt over this anymore. I want to be okay. I should be able to take compliments,
right? This isn’t normal. Help me work through this, because this is
one struggle I have no idea how to overcome or navigate. Please show me how to love myself and let go
of the past, and know compliments aren’t currency to be exchanged for goods.
