It’s the way I feel most loved, touching and being
touched.
Maybe it’s the Italian in me, or maybe it’s that I didn’t
receive this affection when I was a child.
Whatever it is, I have sought this throughout the adult years of my
life.
But with the onslaught of this challenge, I’ve had to
stifle it. Truly, I don’t know many
women who are comfortable being touched, and many men don’t appreciate it
either, seeing it as a come-on.
So I live in my bubble, too scared to touch people as
much as I'd like, all the while anticipating whatever physical affection I
receive. Hugs at church, someone patting
my shoulder, someone letting me rest my head on their shoulders, a gentle
nudge, someone playing with my hair...whatever to feel loved and accepted.
It’s been a struggle.
A couple weeks or so ago, I was really looking forward to
spending the Easter service with my friends.
I planned on dressing up, enjoying the service with them, and just being
around my Memphis family.
And it was a couple weeks or so ago that I received an
email from the kids’ ministry, where I volunteer occasionally. I had volunteered at the Christmas service,
and thought, “Okay, God, I fulfilled my holiday duty…I can have this holiday,
right?”
As soon as I opened it, the first words I saw were, “Volunteers
needed.”
Well, dang. That’s
not what I wanted to see, because I knew there’d be no fighting God once I saw
it. Selfishly, I wanted to spend a
holiday with any kind of family, and didn't really want to help. I wrestled with it for an hour, but in the
end, God won out.
God, I really want to be selfish
and claim my right to enjoy the service.
But don’t you want to help the other families?
Yeah, but I already helped at
the Christmas service.
You really would be helping. I
need you there. Your family isn’t here,
you can dress up whenever you want; help them.
In however long, it may be you that has a husband or a family that you
wish to spend the holidays with, and won’t you be thankful for the volunteers
then?
…
I know this isn’t what you want, but it’s what I want of you. Stop grumbling. What did Kennon say in that last service about obeying joyfully?
I was bummed.
Selfishly bummed.
But I understood what God said about the families and
honoring and serving them while I have none.
That in itself was steam enough to sign me up, but then, while I was
thinking last week about my love language, He brought something else to my
attention.
Hey, physical
touch. What happens when you help out
with the kids? I heard Him ask.
And I thought for a moment.
He's right. He's
absolutely right. It never fails.
A pair of arms always reaches up to me.
Hug me. Hold
me. Sit with me. Sit next to me. Hold my hand.
I wind up cradling a child in my arms and feeling more
loved in an hour and half than I do sometimes throughout the entire week. This is where I feel most loved, because I'm constantly cuddling and cleaning and comforting.
Now, this isn’t how I planned on spending my Easter, running around with the kids.
But as I watched A Walk to Remember tonight, something
Jamie said launched itself into my heart: “Maybe God has a bigger plan for me
than I had for myself…to help me through all this.”
God orchestrates a great deal in my favor and if I would
stop arguing with Him, maybe I’d see His plans a little more clearly. So I may not be spending Easter with friends, but I will be spending it in a way that will inevitably bring me more joy than I would have anticipated. And what's Easter without joy anyway?
A picture I took from the first night I helped with the kids.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
