Sometimes I feel like a hooker.
But worse than a hooker, because I didn't do what I did
to make a living. I did it to fill a
void so great I couldn't see anything else.
Men loved me. You know why I'm
just now figuring out who I am and developing a personality? It's because I never needed one! All I ever needed was a wall over my heart
and a loose body.
And when my warmth wasn't enough anymore I was discarded and
traded in. Talk about wounds! Of course I have wounds! The men treated me like I didn’t matter…I treated me like I didn't matter. The lies of the world became my truths.
And yes, it's sad that at 26 I'm experiencing life for
the first time. Yes, it's sad that I
haven't experienced things that normal 26 year-olds have experienced by now.
I feel so stupid when I meet people and they ask me about
my life and I have nothing to offer them.
Being different plays on my insecurities and I never feel good enough in
my mind and heart. All I can hope is
that they don’t laugh at me or think I’m weird…because all my life I've only
ever wanted to fit in. I have to stop
telling myself that people don’t love me—that people can’t love me. Because they can.
I may not be who I wanted
myself to be—my idea of normal, my
standards that I never met, but God never did and doesn’t want me to be that
person anyway.
Because if I was THAT PERSON, I wouldn’t be THIS PERSON—HIS PERSON.
He orchestrated every part of my life. And whether I love it or not, this is where
He has me. Relearning and learning,
experiencing and appreciating everything like it's the first time I've ever
done it—mostly because it probably is.
I am navigating life for the first time and it's
scary. It's scary after a lifetime of
trauma to trust people, to open up...to try and give up cares about being
judged and thrown away. I looked up at
the stars tonight and felt the wind against my face, and I felt so terrible for
being angry at God for not giving me a normal life.
I am everything He created me to be. And that must make me normal in His
eyes. Clean. Every hurt I've felt, every emptiness echoing
in my heart, every time I've hurt someone, every time someone has hurt
me...this is all by His plan.
And I'm so sorry to myself for all the years of
damage. For every guy I ever dated. For every time I told myself that I'm not
good enough. Or pretty enough. Or smart enough. I'm sorry to myself for believing every
lie. For every kid in school that picked
on me, for every teacher for looking over me, for parents that couldn't
understand me, for the girl I was who had no hope.
Maybe I did do
what I had to, to survive.
Putting up walls.
Voiding out my heart. Making
myself believe I was worthless so when people walked over me or away, it would be an
expectation instead of a surprise.
But everything I never thought I was, He knows I am.
And everything I wasn't, He's making me to be.
And I can't hold myself down anymore.
Because if I do I'm saying He died on the cross just so I
could live a mediocre life...so I could live a life of seclusion, hiding, and
shame. And God didn't die for me for
that.
Her letter touched me in so many ways. I didn’t expect it to hit me so. What do I have in common with a
prostitute? Everything. Sobbing because it’s reminiscent of a time in
my life, I just pray that God gives me the will to move forward. The strength to love others. And the determination to love myself. And the courage to follow Him wherever He may
take me.
All His roads lead to light no matter how dark the path.
