Last night was a difficult night, and today was a
terrible day. And I knew I would eventually hit this wall, which is why I made myself promise no matter
how terrible things could get, I would
write. For better or worse, here I am.
“Darkness” I would assume is different for different
people. My own personal Hell is a labyrinth
of lies telling me I’m alone, unworthy of love, and disgusting. Satan looked at the playlists today, and
decided to put these same thoughts on REPEAT all morning. Thanks, DJ.
Good lookin’ out. Jerk.
I sat in my car during my lunch break, praying for
relief. I had a journal in my lap, and sat
quietly as if I were waiting for something miraculous to happen. I watched golden leaves from the surrounding trees float through the sky. And as silence cradled me, I began to cry. The turntables spun, and I wrote:
I don’t want to do anything. I
don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to
slink away and hide.
This morning I barely had the strength to get out of bed.
The six-o-clock-in-the-morning darkness held me.
I couldn’t feel the truth in His love, but I heard the fears of my
soul.
I may never be loved. I may
never be married. I may never have
children. Who would want a whore? Who could love me? I am filthy and stained, undeserving of love.
I want to curl up, and un-exist.
I want to give up. I don’t want
to fight it anymore.
Tell me I’m not defined by this.
Tell me I’m Yours. Tell me I’m
safe in Your hands. Tell me…I’m
loved. I’m special. I’m worthwhile because I’m Your
daughter. Tell me it’s okay.
I paused. My head
slumped on the steering wheel. I prayed
none of my coworkers were watching the sad lump in the red Pontiac. I tried to compose myself, and after a
moment, I sat up, gathering my notebook.
Through tears, this is what was written next:
I redeemed
you. I died for you. I knew what was to come in your life, and I
died for it. I redeemed every sin you
could ever commit because I love you. I love you.
You are so precious. Remember the
first verse Tabitha gave you, Isaiah 43:4.
You are mine. If I didn’t love
you I would’ve let you remain in filth.
But you are dressed in robes…clean, white, pure robes, because you are
cleansed by my blood. I died to save
you. I died to keep you. I died so that you may live. You are my precious child. How could I let anything harm you? Why would I let anything pass through my
fingers that would hurt you? I saved
you. You do not live in darkness
anymore. You are light. Don’t listen to him. Just as I know you, he knows you. Just as I know your pain, he does, too. He will stop at nothing to keep you from
Me. And I will stop at nothing to keep
you. And keep you I will. I know your sorrow. I also know your will. You may or may not have a husband, I can’t
tell you now. But stop searching. I stopped you. I hurt you to prevent a greater eternal
hurt. Love Me now as a husband, for
whether you have an earthly husband or not, you are My bride, my beautiful,
redeemed love. Cast your fears upon
me. How can I not protect you? Have I not taken you over mountains and
through valleys? I am yours, you are
Mine, and that is enough…forgive yourself…for I forgave you long before I made
you, and I made you knowing you would
fall. All that you could ever want is
yours—heart of mother though childless, beautiful though stained, and you are a
wife already. Come to Me, and rest. Don’t run.
Fight for Me as I died for you. I
am love, and you are Mine. Do I not cause
the wind to blow and the leaves to change?
And just so, do you not think this is just a season of yours? Though fall and winter come, there is a
spring and a summer love. If the trees
gave up every winter, what would become of it?
Weather the winter, for I am with you.
Loving God isn’t easy. But I tell you this as your loving sister, if it were easy, it would be
worthless.
